In 2005, my husband had a stroke at the age of 50. Now, I realize that he wasn’t super young but also he certainly was younger than the average stroke patient. So, it came as a real surprise that this stroke could have potentially taken his life.
With the stroke came many different issues, one of them being the inability to have an erection. That was tough on his ego and tough on us as a couple. Here I was, in the prime of my life (I’m 10 years younger than he is) and we were no longer having sex. This continued for 1o long years. Occasionally I would ask him to go to the doctor to obtain some sort of performance enhancing pills. He would, we use the 5 that were prescribed in about 5 months then nothing for another year or so.
Finally, in February 2015 when I turned 50, I decided it was time for me to eat healthy and exercise. Through this process, I lost 42lbs and feel amazing. I have beautiful curves and I once again love my body. You see, I have a friend at work that is a year or 2 older than me and she is absolutely beautiful. Not only did she inspire me to lose weight, knowing that I could look like her, but she also inspired me to write this blog. She tells me that she likes to live vicariously through me because she can’t do what I have done. 🙂
Along with the weight loss and healthy lifestyle, I also decided I wanted to have sex again. I was tired of being celibate. I wanted to be touched by a man. I was craving the touch of a man and wanted sex. I was at the point in my life when that was all I thought about. My hormones were raging and I was beginning to feel out of control. I reduced myself to begging my husband for sex. I know, it sounds awful, and trust me it was. I humiliated myself in order to make love to my own husband. He finally relented. It was so bad. I could see he was going through the motions and was not enjoying himself at all. I felt terrible. It was like I was forcing him into sex and he was feeling pressured.
In July, 2015 I decided to go and see a psychologist because my hormones were going out of whack and I could no longer control my need for sex. I needed a physical outlet but I also needed her to help me deal with the emotional aspect of what I was going through. Much to my surprise, she suggested I go to the bar and pick up a guy anonymously and have sex with him. She said it would be easy and I would get what I need.
Well, not only was I shocked by her suggestion, but I went home to told my husband what she had to say. He asked me if that was what I wanted. I told him in no uncertain terms that it was not. That I valued our marriage and wouldn’t want to ruin what we had despite the issues we were having with sex. But, the more I thought about it, the more it intrigued me. I was desperate to be touched and have sex again. But, when I discussed with my husband, he was adamant that if I was to go through with that, he was unsure if we could stay together.
So, I decided for the first time in my life to purchase a vibrator. Let me tell you about my husband’s reaction – he was shocked and hurt. He couldn’t believe that I wanted to replace him with a toy. I reminded him that a toy could never replace his touch. But he didn’t like it anyhow. Eventually, I told him I needed to find a partner. I could not go on living the way I was and came to a compromise of who I would play with. I told him that after speaking to another member of a website I joined, he suggested that I only play with married men and he is allowed to read all the correspondence between me and any man that I message regarding play dates. Reluctantly, he allowed me to go forward.
In November of 2015, I joined a swingers website. I began chatting with people and posted pictures of myself. Some were nude and some had me clothed. The nude pictures were scary to post. I had never done that before. But with the reaction I received from people who saw them, I was overwhelmed and a little surprised by how much positive feedback I was getting. It felt amazing to be told I had a beautiful body. I had never really heard those words from my husband. Yes, he told me on occasion how much he found me attractive but he found me beautiful even when I was 40 lbs heavier. So, it wasn’t really the same. Being told by men that didn’t know me that I was sexy and hot was really new for me. What a rush that was. I loved being on this website and it became almost an addiction. I wanted the admiration of others.
Eventually, I started chatting and meeting men. Despite my husband’s approval, I was uncomfortable with allowing him to know what I was discussing and who I was planning on meeting. It felt like a betrayal but at the same time, it was very exciting. I felt like I was a silly teenager who was boy crazy and hungry for affection.
Then by mid-December, I agreed to meet with a man. He was single and 36 years old. I had already broke one of my promises.