Swinging – One Year Later

Because of the resentment I am now feeling, I have found myself looking elsewhere for a man that can meet my needs, not only in the bedroom but in other areas of my life. I have started to look at single profiles. I wonder quite often what it would be like to be with a man who finds me sexually desirable and could fulfill my emotional and physical needs.

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So, it’s been a year now since I’ve embarked on this new lifestyle. For the most part, it’s been a great experience. I’ve met some really wonderful people and have had a lot of fun with them – in and out of the bedroom; particularly with my two long-term partners. I’ve met couples in the lifestyle who are enjoying themselves to the fullest, playing together with other partners or apart and maintaining a very strong marriage.

However, one observation I recently made about my own situation is that I am feeling resentful towards my husband. Yes, I enjoy meeting new people and having great sex with them, but I also resent the fact that I must leave my home in order to do that. I wish that my husband would make more of an effort to have sex with me and on those rare occasions that we do, that he at least try to satisfy my needs. He seems to think that he is doing me a favour when we make love, but that feels so hollow. He has no idea how to satisfy me, makes no effort in his lovemaking and expects me to finish myself off with a toy or two because he doesn’t want to do it for me. It’s not only frustrating, but it saddens me to think that he is so selfish and unwilling to at least meet me half way. If he did, I would probably stop what I am doing, or at least reduce the amount that I am playing with others and just be with one of my partners. But, he doesn’t seem to understand or care. After 22 years of marriage and being together for 25 years I think that is quite a sad statement and difficult for me to admit.

For those who have been reading my blog from the beginning, know that the reason I got into this is because my husband had a stroke 11 years ago and lost the ability to have an erection. He disliked taking the erectile dysfunction pills (such as Cialis or Viagra) that the doctor prescribed and therefore we basically had a sexless marriage for all those years. For the most part, he was ok with it and so was I to a point. But then, one day, I decided I could no longer live like that. I had spent my 40s living like a married nun and I had had enough. I needed human touch and physical affection.

Eventually, at the suggestion of a psychologist, I sought out this lifestyle. Actually, the psychologist suggested I go out to a bar and pick some random guy up and get fucked. But, that’s not who I am. I didn’t want to cheat on my husband. He didn’t deserve that and I couldn’t live with myself if I had done that to him. So, I took what she said and decided to talk openly and honestly with my husband about my needs and we agreed to come to terms with us having an open relationship where I am allowed to explore my needs and desires without him. He is welcomed to meet or join me with any of my partners, but he has not desire or interest in doing that. Despite my efforts to talk to my husband about how I feel, he still seems to think that he is doing me a favour by allowing me to play with other men or couples. Recently, I reminded him that I am doing it because I have no choice. I probably wouldn’t be doing it if I didn’t need to. Now, here I am, a year later.

Because of the resentment I am now feeling, I have found myself looking elsewhere for a man that can meet my needs, not only in the bedroom but in other areas of my life. I have started to look at single profiles. I wonder quite often what it would be like to be with a man who finds me sexually desirable and could fulfill my emotional and physical needs.

I often feel hollow inside and full of regret knowing that I love my husband but he’s just not enough for me anymore.

Where do I go from here? Well, that’s a good question.

 

Parting Ways and New Beginnings

It probably won’t be easy but there’s always hope that I find someone interesting enough that in those in-between moments, we enjoy each other’s company and develop a great friendship along the way, just like I had with my partner and friend Tariq. That’s really the best part of this lifestyle.

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Life as a swinger can be a very positive experience. We meet wonderful and interesting people, but also some not so interesting average folks. But that’s ok. It just goes to remind us that we are all normal people, living a normal life.

However, there are people that come into our lives that become special to us. These are people that teach us lessons about ourselves and about others around us. One of these people came into my life 9 months ago and gone out of my life just recently and I am finding myself missing him a lot. It’s not that he was the most handsome guy around, nor was he the most eloquent person I’ve met, but he was special to me and he made me feel special. And that kind of feeling doesn’t happen very much in this lifestyle.

This person I am talking about is one of my two partners. This weekend, we made the decision to part ways. It was really over a silly misunderstanding, but now it seems very difficult to move past it. I tried reconciling with him, explaining that I needed more time to myself and that my work was suffering because he and I were chatting basically all day long via Skype. He viewed my snub as making a decision that he was no longer important to me. It wasn’t the case at all. Now though, I have a huge hole in my heart and I miss him.

Tariq was the type of guy who would tell me he thought I was beautiful in the middle of having car sex. He would look down at me, smile this big beautiful smile of his, kiss me and tell me what most women long to hear, and that was that I was beautiful. It didn’t seem to matter to him that my hair was a mess, I was sweating from riding him in a hot sweaty car or that I was flush from the last two orgasms he gave me. He just knew how to make me feel good about myself and about us.

Now that he has gone from my life, maybe forever or maybe just temporarily, I wonder how I will fill that void. I have a profound sense of loss and I will miss my friend terribly. He was special to me and I wish him nothing but the best.   Neither my husband nor my other partner are the type of men to exclaim such emotions in the middle of sex or any other time. I am sad and I miss my friend. As I said before, life of a swinger has its ups and downs. He was certainly a positive aspect in my life and now that he is gone, his departure is certainly a negative one.

This lifestyle isn’t meant to develop the type of relationships are that is meant to last forever after, not unless you are in the lifestyle with your spouse. So, with that being said, I will continue enjoying myself, playing with interesting men, some might be just a one-time play partner and others more often. But who knows; maybe I will be lucky enough to find another special man to come into my life and eventually become long-term partners. Finding someone who can touch my body and make me feel as good as I hope I make him feel.  It probably won’t be easy but there’s always hope that I find someone interesting enough that in those in-between moments, we enjoy each other’s company and develop a great friendship along the way, just like I had with my partner and friend Tariq. That’s really the best part of this lifestyle.