Have you ever woken up feeling like you are the luckiest person around? Well, I kind of feel that way sometimes.
After all, not many people are lucky enough to have a husband who loves them enough to allow them to be with other men because he can’t. I know it sounds rather unorthodox and that some people will think that I should love him enough to not do it. Well, I understand where you are coming from. I felt that way for 11 years. But then one day, I woke up and decided that my needs where stronger than what I could control. So, let me explain a bit what I mean by that.
You see, when I turned 50 almost 2 years ago now, I decided to focus on myself. I began to exercise and eat healthy and I wanted to feel good about me. I knew if I did that, I would have a better outlook on life in general. Prior to that, I always lived with what I call a low-grade depression. I was never really totally sad, but I was never really happy either. Being a trained counsellor, I knew that what I needed was to exercise and eat right. I just never did it because my life was always focused on taking care of everyone else.
But when my 50th came along in February 2015, I decided I was tired of living that way. I took matters into my own hands and subsequently lost 43 lbs in 6 months and have kept it off by staying on track. But, what happened to me during that time was incredible.
It was like I came out of a cocoon. My self-esteem grew stronger, my sense of self was more powerful than ever and my libido woke up. And considering I rarely had sex in 11 years, and was somewhat ok with that, it was kind of scary. Mostly because I knew my husband had very little ability to have sex which translated into no interest either. That scared me because I had needs and desires and I couldn’t control them.
So, for a while, he tried to fulfill me. But, it was kind of horrible. Picture yourself begging your partner to have sex with you, and they finally agree, reluctantly. While you are having sex, you can see the disinterest in your partner’s eyes. You can see them going through the motions and nothing more. That’s not a good feeling at all. Nobody wants to feel like they are forcing their spouse or partner to have sex.
So, I made the decision to never ask him again. I decided that I had been humiliated enough and he made to feel dirty and ashamed because of it. That’s when I decided to buy myself my first vibrator and to see a psychologist to help me through my feelings.
I won’t go into the details of what was said during my session with the psychologist because I wrote about that previously, but suffice it to say that she made me realize that there were other options. But one thing for sure, my husband wasn’t happy about the vibrator. He seemed to think I was trying to replace him. To which I told him that a vibrator cannot replace human touch and affection.
So, after much discussion with my husband about the prospect of having sex with others, he reluctantly agreed. He didn’t like the idea but came to understand that it was what I needed. He loved me enough to provide me with what I needed to feel satisfied.
Fast forward to November 2015, I joined a swingers website. It was all so new to me. I had never experienced that type of openness and sexual honesty ever. It’s really liberating to be able to talk to others about your fantasies, your sexual likes and dislikes and know that you won’t be judged.
I corresponded with one man from the site for a month or so before we finally met. It didn’t work out but it was a learning experience. Then, in February 2016, I met 2 men – Tariq and Matt. Both within days apart. The first one I said no to Tariq because he wasn’t my type, but ended up reversing my decision and met another man that I was very happy to – see blog post “Let’s continue the Story”. But less than a week later I met Matt. I knew instantly he was the guy I wanted to be with. Tall, handsome and kind. We hit it off immediately. Eleven months later, I am still with them both.
Then just recently, I met the Artist (see blog – The Artist and the Model). Have you ever met someone that you are drawn to immediately? Someone you feel like you have known all your life? Well, that’s what it felt like when I met Gary. I felt so at ease with him.
You see, for the longest time, I was seeking someone who could provide me with the affection and tenderness that I was not getting from my 2 guys or my husband for that matter. Well I think he’s the guy that will provide that. I wasn’t looking for it and certainly didn’t think I would seek it from him when he first reached out to me. But it’s been so easy being with him. Almost like we’ve know each other a hundred years. He’s in the swinging lifestyle too so it was easy to approach the subject of playing and being nude in front of him and posing for his art makes it easier because of that. He had mentioned to me when we first met that he would be open to play (have sex) if I was interested but I told him I wasn’t and he left it at that. I quickly changed my mind once we started talking and he was sculpting me. I asked him to play on the second visit. I couldn’t help myself. He turned me on so much.
I also have surprised myself in the sense that I have thought of nothing but him. Matt (my regular long-term guy) has not been at the forefront of my thoughts since meeting Gary. That is so new for me. Gary has captured my heart like no man has done in a long time. That also means I need to be careful to not let myself fall too deeply. After all, I am married. And I’m really looking forward to see him again soon.
Looks like 2017 is heading into an interesting direction.