The Other Man

I felt like I had known him forever. I wanted to touch him, talk to him and be near him from the first day I posed nude for him. I simply couldn’t and still can’t get enough of him.

My artist is a widower.  I think I mentioned that in a previous post. He is free to love and be loved by whomever he chooses. Although it’s only been a couple of months, he has already told me that he loves me. I have fallen hard for him as well. He is able to provide me with the affection and desire that I have been lacking in my marriage for years. That need to be needed and wanted. So, therein lies the problem. I have my husband whom I share a history with and a new man that I am falling deeply in love with. I don’t have the strength to leave him knowing that our relationship could ruin my marriage. I desire him so wholly and completely. There are days when I imagine my life with him but at the same time, I can’t imagine my life without my husband.  Well, most days I can’t. Today isn’t one of them. I can very easily imagine my life without my husband.

Recently, that has been happening a lot. My husband is working evenings now so we see each other about 15 minutes a day during the week. I don’t seem to miss him at all.  Our 22 year old son has been much more talkative and outgoing with me now that his father is not around as much. It’s not that they don’t get along, it’s just that our son has no respect for his father. My husband has been out of work on and off a lot over the past 11 years. Our son finds him very complacent with regards to money, work and frankly our marriage. Our son knows that there is something going on with me, but he’s not aware of the details. I told him as much as I could – that I was not having an affair and that his father is aware of everything I am doing.  I left it at that. I didn’t tell him I was a swinger but I also did not want him to think I was having an affair. I didn’t want him to lose respect for me. So, it was important to me to set things straight. Therein lies part of the problem. He now thinks his father is a “pussy” because he’s not fighting for me or our marriage. Yes, those are the words he used in a text to his father the night I explained to him that things were not quite what they seemed. He  doesn’t understand how his father could allow me to be with other men or another man (I’m not sure what he thinks). He doesn’t understand why I stay with his father knowing full well that I have sacrificed so much of my life to keep the family together. He resents his father for not having the courage to support his family and to show ambition. Our son wants to look up to his father, but he can’t. In his eyes, there’s nothing there to admire.  You have to understand one thing about our son. He is a Type A personality. He’s competitive, brilliant (will be applying to MIT, Oxford, Cambridge and the LSE), outgoing and ambitious. His father is none of those things. I point blank asked him if he loves his father. He said he did, but has no respect for him or nothing in common with him. I find that very sad.

There was a time that I thought my husband was my ideal soulmate. We got along very well and still do in most respects. But he has changed. He is depressed and that comes out as anger. He is explosive at the smallest things. His anger is never towards me, but I am always there to see it. But now it seems that my idea of a soulmate has changed.  I can’t pinpoint exactly what it is, but I have found that when I first met Gary (my artist), I knew I met someone special. It was like déjà vu. I felt like I had known him forever. I wanted to touch him, talk to him and be near him from the first day I posed nude for him.  I simply couldn’t and still can’t get enough of him. Granted, we have never spent more than 2 days together and most of that time is spent in his bedroom. But we do more than have sex. We talk about the important things in life. We talk about my marriage and family, he tells me wonderful stories about his wife and their son growing up.  We talk about his art, my work, the renovations he is doing, the travelling we have both done, etc. We are never at a loss of what to say, but yet, we are also very comfortable with silence. We talk about the people we have played with and will play with together. We are very open and honest with each other about our emotional and physical needs.

Gary has told me that he is happy to be the “Other Man” if that’s what it takes for him to be in my life. He is also prepared to  have his heart broken if I decide one day that I can no longer be with him because it is ruining my marriage. But, in all honesty, I fear that he will decide to move on from me because he is looking for a woman who can provide him with a real relationship. One that entails going on holidays together, spending most evenings together and providing him with unconditional love that he deserves.  He is such a good hearted human being, and I am scared that I will lose him. He has shown me more than any man has ever given me. But ultimately, only time will tell. What we both need to do now is to focus on what we have in the present moment and enjoy each other while we can.  I really do love him. ♥  He makes me whole.

“A woman knows the face of the man she loves as a sailor knows the open sea.”
— Honore de Balzac

 

Swinging – Me, my lover and the Artist

He then spent the rest of the evening massaging me, touching me and making me feel whole again. I have never experienced such love and devotion before. He really put my needs ahead of everything. It was a sensual evening of touch, kissing, romance and music. He had a log in the fireplace, served cheese, crackers and grapes for us to snack on. Talk about a romantic.

Like I’ve been saying all year long, I’m the luckiest woman alive.  Not only do I have an amazing lover in Matt, but my new artist lover Gary has turned out to be an extraordinary man in his own right.

Our threesome was just as I expected. Absolutely wonderful. Both men in my life treat me like a lady and always put my needs and desires first. But being the type of person I am, I always want to make sure my partner is pleased as well. But while in the middle of our threesome, I was unsure of who to focus on. Did I focus on Matt, my long-term lover because he was in a strange home and new environment or did I focus on my artist because it was his home and I didn’t want him to feel left out because he is new in my life. But, being the gentle beautiful man that he is, he stepped back and made sure that Matt and I were comfortable together in his presence first and foremost. He decided to take photos of us together to start, to get us comfortable with him being there and so that he could sketch us together later on. The sketch on the top of this blog is one that he will paint and put over his bed in his room. He doesn’t care that it’s another man in the painting, he just loves knowing that when he took the picture, I was fully satisfied and happy. He always puts my needs before his at all times.

Once he was finished with his photography, he joined us and the play began. It was spectacular. Between the two of them, I was constantly moaning and groaning and in complete ecstasy. They are both very attentive lovers and always ensure that I am pleased first and foremost.  So, knowing that, I wanted to ensure that they were equally pleased too. I never expect my lovers to only give without me returning the pleasure. So, I did. Sometimes I focused more on one than the other, sometimes at the same time. When it was only one at a time, the other would step back and watch.  It was an incredible experience. Threesomes can be extremely satisfying with the right partners.

I really don’t think this experience would ever have been so amazing and sensual if I hadn’t felt the way I do about my guys. Yes, I love Matt and after a year, I don’t think that’s a big surprise. I don’t think I could have played with him this whole time without developing feelings for him. Whereas Gary, it happened very quickly. He’s got an amazing soul and being.  He makes me laugh and makes me smile. When I’m in a bad mood, just one look at him, and I feel better immediately.

For instance, this weekend we were suppose to go to a Valentine swing party. He was going to bring the food, I was bringing the gift for the gift exchange. Our plan was to play together, have fun in the hot tub and possibly find others to play with. He’d never been to this place and I wanted him to experience it. I have been a couple of times already and I know going with him would have been a lot of fun.

But, I wasn’t feeling well. I was bloated, had pain in my shoulder and felt very cranky. So, instead of going to the party, I went to his place to spend the night. When I arrived at his home, he had heating pads for my neck and shoulders, as well as one for my belly. He then spent the rest of the evening massaging me, touching me and making me feel whole again. I have never experienced such love and devotion before. He really put my needs ahead of everything. It was a sensual evening of touch, kissing, romance and music. He had a log in the fireplace, served cheese, crackers and grapes for us to snack on. Talk about a romantic.  Not once did he ask to play or expect to. No expectations, no demands and no mention of being disappointed that we couldn’t play. He really is one in a million.

But as the night progressed and I started to feel better, so we played for a while. We played again when we woke up at 4:30 am. Morning sex really is great. Something I knew nothing about before he and I got together. My husband was never much into sex in the morning – or was that me? Regardless, I have discovered how great it really can be.  When we were finished playing, we snuggled in each others arms and fell back to sleep for a few more hours.

Blissful.

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Swinging – A Letter to my Lover

Who knew that day a year ago that we would still be together in this capacity. I certainly didn’t know what to expect when I met him but I did know immediately that I liked him. I could sense he was a nice person and that he would be easy to get along with. I was right about that. The fact that was tall, dark and handsome was certainly a bonus. Up until that point, I didn’t know I had a type. When I saw him walk into the coffee shop with his suit and beautiful smile, I decided right there and then that I had a type and he was it.

 

Yesterday was the one year anniversary that my partner Matt and I have been together. In honour of our anniversary, I decided to write him a letter about how I have been feeling and that I am very happy that we have managed to stay together.

Who knew that day a year ago that we would still be together in this capacity. I certainly didn’t know what to expect when I met him but I did know immediately that I liked him. I could sense he was a nice person and that he would be easy to get along with. I was right about that. The fact that was tall, dark and handsome was certainly a bonus. Up until that point, I didn’t know I had a type. When I saw him walk into the coffee shop with his suit and beautiful smile, I decided right there and then that I had a type and he was it.
I have wonderful memories of the beginning of our relationship. Laughing and making plans and creating our sexual bucket lists all while enjoying each others company. I remember being in the coffee shop and he would slip his hand up my skirt to find out I wasn’t wearing panties. Or he would have me lean forward so he could look down my top. Or while sitting in a workshop, he would snap a picture of his penis and send it to me. It was fun and light and we maximized on the sexual tension that was between us leading up to our next play date. Remembering those coffee dates will always be cherished and will always put a smile on my face.
I must admit, there have been times that I wondered if we were going to make it this far. For instance, when he came back from his month-long business trip. He had changed so much and we no longer had that light playfulness between us. It was actually painful at times and I remember crying for an hour after we had our first meeting. It was extremely sad. I’m not exactly sure how we made it past that point but something turned around along the way, I’m not sure where or when, but I was glad we stuck it out. It would have been a mistake to let it end that way because it had been so wonderful up to that point and became wonderful again.
For a month leading up to Christmas, I had resigned to being just with him and was quite content that way.  Meeting  him every morning for coffee was enough for me and I wished it could have continued. I was happy and felt very fulfilled with our relationship the way it was. Unfortunately, it all came to an abrupt end when my office moved across town. Now we try to see each other at least once a week but that’s not always feasible either.

The reason I decided to write the letter was to express to him all the feelings that I have kept pent up. As you can imagine, after a year, feelings grow but he is married and therefore, it is somewhat easier to keep them at bay and not get too caught up into the moment.

And I have my artist partner now as well. He is a widower. He is more the way I am. I need to tell people how I feel about them and express my feelings. He does as well. This makes it much easier to share our feelings knowing full well that I am still married and therefore nothing will come of it.

But therein lies the problem.  Is it really fair that I allow myself to get swept up in a relationship with a man, while married? Yes, my husband has given me permission to play with others, but when I embarked on this lifestyle, I agreed to not date single men. With my artist, things have taken a bit of a turn. I wasn’t planning on playing with him at all. The purpose of meeting with him was to pose and for him to sculpt and paint me. But, I felt very good with him and we had an instant connection. So far, I have stayed at his home overnight twice now and I have never done that with any of my other partners. We see each other at least twice or three times a week. We love each others company and have a wonderful sexual relationship together.  This is all pretty scary. Now, I realize that we never would have allowed our emotional relationship to move as quickly if we were both single, knowing the implications of what that means, but we have expressed ourselves freely  because of me being married.  I’ve never done that with my other partners.

When I started out in this lifestyle, my expectations were never to find a new husband. I love my husband now and I did when I started out. But, I have realized was that I missed the connection and emotional attachment with my husband. Yes, the sex was gone, but so were the other elements. They are extremely important aspects of a marriage and when those are all missing, there’s not much else. We have a friendship and a wonderful son, a beautiful history together but is that always enough? What about the passion and love? Does that ever come back? Do I ruin what we have and hope that one day I will capture all that I feel I have been missing with another man? It scares the hell out of me. But at the same time, staying scares me too. After all, I’m not getting younger.

PS. The reply I received from my partner Matt to the letter I sent to him was simply wonderful. Suffice it to say, he feels the same and even used the words love when he spoke about he and I. He didn’t say he loved me but he did say there was love and for me, that’s good enough. That’s the first time he has ever come close to admitting those feelings to me. 🙂  I’m a happy woman.

On another note, I will be an even happier women by the end of today. The reason for that is my partner Matt is coming over to my artist partner’s home and Matt and I will pose for him so he can sculpt us. Then the three of us will have a play date together. I can’t wait. Threesomes are absolutely the best!