My artist is a widower. I think I mentioned that in a previous post. He is free to love and be loved by whomever he chooses. Although it’s only been a couple of months, he has already told me that he loves me. I have fallen hard for him as well. He is able to provide me with the affection and desire that I have been lacking in my marriage for years. That need to be needed and wanted. So, therein lies the problem. I have my husband whom I share a history with and a new man that I am falling deeply in love with. I don’t have the strength to leave him knowing that our relationship could ruin my marriage. I desire him so wholly and completely. There are days when I imagine my life with him but at the same time, I can’t imagine my life without my husband. Well, most days I can’t. Today isn’t one of them. I can very easily imagine my life without my husband.
Recently, that has been happening a lot. My husband is working evenings now so we see each other about 15 minutes a day during the week. I don’t seem to miss him at all. Our 22 year old son has been much more talkative and outgoing with me now that his father is not around as much. It’s not that they don’t get along, it’s just that our son has no respect for his father. My husband has been out of work on and off a lot over the past 11 years. Our son finds him very complacent with regards to money, work and frankly our marriage. Our son knows that there is something going on with me, but he’s not aware of the details. I told him as much as I could – that I was not having an affair and that his father is aware of everything I am doing. I left it at that. I didn’t tell him I was a swinger but I also did not want him to think I was having an affair. I didn’t want him to lose respect for me. So, it was important to me to set things straight. Therein lies part of the problem. He now thinks his father is a “pussy” because he’s not fighting for me or our marriage. Yes, those are the words he used in a text to his father the night I explained to him that things were not quite what they seemed. He doesn’t understand how his father could allow me to be with other men or another man (I’m not sure what he thinks). He doesn’t understand why I stay with his father knowing full well that I have sacrificed so much of my life to keep the family together. He resents his father for not having the courage to support his family and to show ambition. Our son wants to look up to his father, but he can’t. In his eyes, there’s nothing there to admire. You have to understand one thing about our son. He is a Type A personality. He’s competitive, brilliant (will be applying to MIT, Oxford, Cambridge and the LSE), outgoing and ambitious. His father is none of those things. I point blank asked him if he loves his father. He said he did, but has no respect for him or nothing in common with him. I find that very sad.
There was a time that I thought my husband was my ideal soulmate. We got along very well and still do in most respects. But he has changed. He is depressed and that comes out as anger. He is explosive at the smallest things. His anger is never towards me, but I am always there to see it. But now it seems that my idea of a soulmate has changed. I can’t pinpoint exactly what it is, but I have found that when I first met Gary (my artist), I knew I met someone special. It was like déjà vu. I felt like I had known him forever. I wanted to touch him, talk to him and be near him from the first day I posed nude for him. I simply couldn’t and still can’t get enough of him. Granted, we have never spent more than 2 days together and most of that time is spent in his bedroom. But we do more than have sex. We talk about the important things in life. We talk about my marriage and family, he tells me wonderful stories about his wife and their son growing up. We talk about his art, my work, the renovations he is doing, the travelling we have both done, etc. We are never at a loss of what to say, but yet, we are also very comfortable with silence. We talk about the people we have played with and will play with together. We are very open and honest with each other about our emotional and physical needs.
Gary has told me that he is happy to be the “Other Man” if that’s what it takes for him to be in my life. He is also prepared to have his heart broken if I decide one day that I can no longer be with him because it is ruining my marriage. But, in all honesty, I fear that he will decide to move on from me because he is looking for a woman who can provide him with a real relationship. One that entails going on holidays together, spending most evenings together and providing him with unconditional love that he deserves. He is such a good hearted human being, and I am scared that I will lose him. He has shown me more than any man has ever given me. But ultimately, only time will tell. What we both need to do now is to focus on what we have in the present moment and enjoy each other while we can. I really do love him. ♥ He makes me whole.
“A woman knows the face of the man she loves as a sailor knows the open sea.”
— Honore de Balzac