Sex on the Brain

Gary really thinks he won the lottery by being with me. In a lot of ways, I feel the same but I have a sense of emptiness sometimes

I’ve been spending a lot of my weekends with Gary lately. I went yesterday afternoon to spend time with him because he had an art show and I wanted to be there to support him. He’s a wonderfully talented artist. But I noticed during our conversations that a lot of what we have in common is sex. Our conversations tend to revolve around sex all the time. Now that I’ve started to notice it and it really has me questioning how much we have in common. Don’t get me wrong, sex is a great subject but does every conversation have to end up as a sexual innuendo or a discussion of what he wants to do sexually with me the next time?  He loves the fact that I am very sexual but it also stresses me out in the sense that if I ever decide I need to step away from playing so much, how will he feel? He loves that I love to play in threesomes, but I think that eventually, I will want to just be with a single partner in a loving relationship.  I don’t know if I will want to stay in this lifestyle, at least not to the point I am playing now. ​ Gary is a great lover and satisfies me completely. I do enjoy others but nobody can do it the way he does for me. Not even Matt and I’ve been with Matt for over a year.  These sex conversations are something that have been on my mind a lot today. I mentioned it briefly to him but I’m not convinced that will change anything.  I do love being with him, but do I want to spend the rest of my life with him? I have yet to know the answer to that.

You see,  Gary really thinks he won the lottery by being with me. In a lot of ways, I feel the same but I have a sense of emptiness sometimes.   I want to feel whole and joyful but I don’t.  Perhaps it’s because I am uneasy with my son knowing that I play with other men and that I was out last night at a man’s place. He doesn’t know who’s place but he knows I was out.  Perhaps if my son didn’t know, maybe I would feel fine today. I don’t know. Maybe I feel dirty and I don’t like this feeling. When my son didn’t know about what I was doing, I didn’t have this issue so much, but now that he does, hiding it is much harder.

There’s also the fact that Gary told me that he would be going to Toronto with a female friend (V) of his that he played with before. She likes to go to a swing club out there and always asks that he take her because she doesn’t like to go alone. It kind of annoys me that I will miss out on a Saturday night with him because of her. The worst part is, I know she wants to be more to him than a friend but he doesn’t see it. I remind him that every time he does something like this with her, it sends her the wrong signals. She probably thinks that he will eventually leave me and go with her. He tells me he’s not interested in her. She’s a big woman and although that doesn’t bother him, I still think he likes the fact that she wants him and it makes me crazy.  I’ve never had to share any of my partners with other women. They always only had me as a partner. Now, with Gary, he has his V and a couple that he plays with. I don’t mind the couple, but him playing with V who is a single woman that make me crazy, I simply want to scream!

20170422_154038

I DID IT!

 

Well, I finally did it. Two major life events happened to me this past weekend; one great and the other, not so great.sadness-girl-umbrella-winter-sea-bridge-hd-wallpaper

First the great one!

My partner and I went to a swing party at a private home this past Saturday night. The theme for the evening was Playboy Bunny in honour of Easter being next weekend.  There were sexy bunnies all over the house and one Hugh Hefner. It was great!  But the best part of it all was that I had my first MMMF and it wasn’t even intentional. lol

I was playing with my partner Gary on the mattress having our own fun, then we decided to invite Mike to play, a guy that I’ve known since last summer but never played with.  We played the three of us together for 30 minutes. Gary, being very visual,  said I was watched non-stop by others who were standing around. While riding Mike at one point, there were no less than 10 people watching. It was a thrill.  Then, while the three of us were playing, a guy who’s wife was playing beside us came over and started touching me. Gary asked me if I wanted him to stop but I said no, I was fine with it. It’s unusual for someone to touch without asking first but in this case, I didn’t mind too much. I saw who it was and knew that his wife was beside me so I felt safe knowing he wasn’t going to do anything too weird.  It was all pretty incredible. I have never had 3 pairs of hands touching and caressing me at once while I had a penis in my mouth, and one in my pussy. Wow, is all I can say about that.

Even while wearing my bunny outfit, Gary would walk behind me and watch all the men and women turn their heads and follow my every move. hehehe  I guess I looked kinda cute and sexy. It was incredible.

The “not so great” part of the weekend was that I had to tell my husband that we are officially separating. You might be asking yourself – Is Swinging to blame for it? I don’t know. But what I do know is that now, I feel better about things, so let me tell you why.

For those of you that have been following my blog since the beginning, you know that I started into the Swinging Lifestyle because my husband hasn’t been able to have an erection since his stroke even with the little blue pill and therefore, sex no longer was a part of our lives. He eventually became able to but simply lost interest and no longer wanted to try.  It was hurtful.  I’m sure many of you out there are saying there is more than one way to have sex, and yes, I totally agree with you. But, my husband had no interest in giving me pleasure orally or with his fingers. As a matter of fact, he was insulted that after 10 years with no sex, I bought a vibrator. Can you imagine!  I needed affection, I needed to be touched and let’s face it, I needed sex. But he was unable and unwilling to give me any. So, after much thought and a visit to a psychologist, I decided to explore the swing world. I was terrified but I knew I needed something. I could no longer live without the touch of a man or the sensation of a penis inside of me. So, you tell me, was our break-up inevitable? I think so. Nobody can live like this forever. Even my mother, a former nun in the Catholic Church, told me recently that I needed to find a man and have sex with him, even if I am still married. She say’s men do it all the time so why shouldn’t I. She is very supportive of my separation and thinks it’s about time if this is what my life has been like. I never told her about his inability to have an erection until now. She obviously doesn’t know about my lifestyle but she understands that sex is important and clearly wants me to start living again.

So, after a few hiccups over a year ago, I found 2 amazing men and spent a year having sex with them and a few others on the occasion in between. Now, I am still with one of these men – Matt, and a new man, my artist Gary for the past 4 months along with a few others for good measure. Gary loves to watch me have sex with other men (being very visual) before joining in on the fun. I love it too. Threesomes are the best.  But as I mentioned in the past, I have fallen in love with him and now I want to explore where things can go relationship wise.

Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t leave my husband solely because of Gary, but I guess he was a part of it. You see, my husband is a chronically depressed person. He is negative and not always pleasant to be around. He also takes me for granted more than he should. Gary, despite losing his wife to diabetes five years ago, a woman he was married to for 25 years, he still find it easy to laugh and enjoy life to the fullest. It is so refreshing. I need that in my life.

But don’t get me wrong, it’s not easy and I am still struggling with the idea that my marriage is basically over.