I guess with so many changes happening in my life and nobody to talk to about them, this will have to be my outlet. It’s not that I don’t have friends, it’s just that I am someone who is an open book with the right person in my life. Up until now, that’s been my husband. I am very open with Gary but he has very little time to sit and chat and  let’s face it, sometimes what I need to do is to complain about is him!

As I mentioned in the past, Gary is an artist and does renovations on the side. He also works full-time at a desk at the moment. So, he has a full schedule. Once he gets home from his 9-5 job, he changes and heads out to do renovations. He needs the extra cash to pay off some debt he accumulated when he was being frivolous with his money and from when he was injured and couldn’t work.

When he’s not working his day job or doing renovations, he loves to focus on his art. I love the fact that he is an artist. He’s a very good one too. I’ve posted some of his paintings here on my blog. But more and more I find he is finding less and less time to spend with me. I know he has bills to pay and I know he has art to create so he can show and sell pieces. But, will there be a time that he puts me as a priority? I wonder.

The reason I ask myself this question is that he has been promising me for weeks now that he will be spending the whole long weekend with me at my house. My son is moving out and my husband is going to visit his sister. So, great, I finally get to spend a weekend at home, something I haven’t had the chance to do in 6 months or so. But, now he has to prepare for his sculpting exhibit coming up in October and because he hasn’t been home in the evenings to work on his sculptures, he has decided that next weekend is when he will be doing it. Understandable because he needs to provide the art show with pictures of his finished art work. So, again, I am left in 2nd place on his priority list. I suggested today that he bring his sculpture here to work on so we can spend time at my place but I seriously doubt he will even view that as an option.

We are also supposed to go to a swing party next Saturday but I will tell him that we can cancel it. I’m sure he will be relieved. We can always go the following weekend. The theme is Back to School so I will get to wear my sexy school girl uniform. I’ll tell you how it goes if we end up going. It’s usually a good time.

I will try to keep the drama and anxiety to a minimum and get back to focusing on my swinging experiences for now on. I just sometimes need to vent and put my thoughts on paper to remove some of the clutter going on in my mind. Perhaps I’m just expecting too much from a new relationship. In my humble opinion, I always thought that relationships take work and both partners need to be present. That requires being together whenever possible. I guess I’m not use to this lifestyle. My husband doesn’t have hobbies or work long hours so he is always home. I suppose I like that about our relationship. I like having the people I love to be around. When they aren’t around, I get lonely and start to think the worst.  All the arguments and discussions we have come back to haunt me. Like him talking about his former girlfriend again. I’m not sure why he needs to keep bringing her up. I suggested today that he should go back to her because he brings her up daily in one way or another so he must miss her. It’s irritating especially knowing she didn’t treat him very well. Maybe I need to do the same so that he pays more attention to me. I feel sometimes that he doesn’t have room for me in his life and if I hadn’t gotten him a job with me, I would rarely see him.




The Second Half of our Lives

Things need to change between us. I love him and I know he loves me. We are 2 very different people with a lot in common but we have a lot to learn about each other. Let’s hope that we we both learn keeps us on the ultimate path we both want – to be together for the second half of our lives.

This blog is a bit different than most of them. I guess I need to rant and let out some frustration here because I have nobody I can turn to. So, bare with me please.

A couple of weeks ago, Gary and I talked about moving in together. I was quite exciting when he asked and thought I was the luckiest woman in the world. Neither of us are in a real hurry,  and both agreed that it was our ultimate goal.  I decided I wanted to wait until at least next summer so I could experience life on my own. I have never lived by myself and decided that I need to have a bit of time alone after my son moves out this September and my husband leaves in October. Gary is in full agreement because he neither is prepared for such a big step albeit one we wish to aim for.

But now I wonder if it’s really the best decision for me. Here’s my story:

The weekend started like any other weekend. Gary and I went back to his place on Friday after work before he went off to his second job for the day as a renovator. He left at around 4pm to go and I stayed at his place as always. I cleaned the bedroom, vacuumed the main floor and washed the dishes. After living alone for as long as he has, he has gotten into the habit of not picking up after himself. The fact that he works all day and goes to work most evenings doesn’t help the matter. He never has time to clean, so when I go there, I tend do it. I think it’s just as much for my sanity, because I’m use to a clean home, as much as it is to help him. Besides, what else am I going to do sitting around the house waiting for him to return from work.

Finally, at around 7:30 pm he arrived home. He showered and we sat around chatting a bit. We hadn’t had supper yet and I was getting hungry.  I’m a bit of a slave to my stomach. I get cranky when I get too hungry – kind of a Joe Pesci thing, if you know the commercial. But because Gary was out working, I waited. He’s the cook in this couple and a very good cook at that. Plus it’s his kitchen and knows where everything is. So, I don’t mind waiting for him for us to eat.  Then when I mentioned I was getting hungry I asked when he was going to start supper. That was the first moment that he snapped at me. I took it in stride because I knew he was tired and had a long day. So, I told him that for now on, when he works evenings, I will make dinner and he can eat when he gets home. Disagreement solved.

We ate our dinner and watched a bit of tv. We crawled into bed around 11pm and had a great time between the sheets. That’s an area where we are very compatible. We know how to please each other and we know what the other likes.

Saturday morning, we got busy doing work around the house that needed to be done. It was rather uneventful. We were planning on going to a swingers pool party but the weather wasn’t agreeing with our plans so we cancelled. We decided that maybe we would go to the swingers club for couples night instead. As the afternoon wore on, Gary decided to show me pictures of Mexico where he lived for 2 months with a woman he dated for 3 years. I was ok with looking at the pictures for a short time, but it went on for over an hour and how he and her did this and that. There were numerous pictures of her in various poses around the city and half nude on their patio. I didn’t care that much at first, but it just went on for too long. I finally told him I wanted to stop looking at them because my neck was getting sore.  Granted, the pictures were beautiful but simply far too many. Well, he got a bit annoyed at me about that too. It seemed like I couldn’t win, no matter what I said.  I noticed he took a hit of pot, which I really dislike him doing that around me. I find his personality changes even if he refuses to believe me. So, I ignore it. But when I explained later when we went for a walk that I don’t want to be constantly reminded about his life with his ex-girlfriend, he seemed to understand…to a point. He seemed to think that because living in Mexico was part of his life for 2 months and he really wanted to show me, that I should be ok with it. But I reminded him that I travelled extensively throughout North America and Europe with my husband and son over the past 25 years, but do not share it all with him because it’s my past and he is my present.

Later that evening, I went for a bath.  Gary renovated his bathroom to suit his late wife. She wanted a deep tub with jets so she could soak and relax. It sounds luxurious but  the top of the top goes over my shoulders when I’m sitting down in it. I’m only 5’4″ so having a tub that big makes getting in and out of it pretty difficult.  Just picking myself up out of the tub is a job in itself. In order to get out, I need to use all my arm strength. But with a very sore shoulder, that’s not easy to do. When I finally crawled out, I made the mistake of telling him it was difficult getting out of the tub because it’s so deep. Again, he let out a big sigh. I had once again managed to annoy him. Funny enough, I’m not a complainer nor do I whine about stuff just for the sake of whining. He seemed to think that I wanted him to change the bathtub and undo all the work he did. Obviously I didn’t want that at all. After all, he made it for his wife and not only did he do an amazing job, but it’s sentimental to him and his son, I’m sure. He surrounded the bath tub with beautiful stone work and hand carved celtic stone.

When I expressed my concern with him being annoyed with me once again, he told me he wasn’t annoyed but was trying to come up with a solution. His solution was to build me my own spa bathroom if I decide to move in with him next year. A bathroom built to my specifications. That all sounds amazing, but it doesn’t take away the hurt I felt by his reaction.

We eventually went to bed, not angry but not as playful as we usually are. I felt sad that our evening had been riddled with tension.

Sunday morning finally rolled around and again, he snapped at something else. I finally had enough and went into the house to think. I needed to decide if this was how I was going to live out my next 25 years. Do I want to be with a man who has a short fuse with me, loves to tease me in a hurtful ways or is simply annoyed by me and my ways?  I’m not use to being spoken to the way he talks to me. My husband doesn’t speak to me that way and I wouldn’t accept it from anyone else. Maybe I am flawed and possibly one of those flaws are me being too sensitive. If that’s the case, he will have to learn to adjust his ways and I will have to toughen up.

But at the same time, I know he loves me. We’ve been “together” for 8 months now and I feel it very day in the little gestures he does. He’s kind, considerate and makes me laugh. Not to mention the intimate connection we share together. That’s a strong pull. Plus he is willing to renovate a small portion of his home for me if that’s what I want. And since he met me, he has decided to finally fix up his backyard and his front yard so we can enjoy it together. But, do I really want to live in his and her home. The home he shared with his wife for 25 years before she passed away? I’m not sure I want to. It doesn’t feel like home to me. It doesn’t feel like I belong there. Not only that, I don’t feel comfortable asking him to make changes for me.  He loves his home and he has good memories there, which is wonderful but it’s just not my place. No more than my home is his style or in his comfort zone. What I really think we should do is to buy a home that represents the two of us and the life we want to share together. Something that allows us equal input into the decor and changes that will be needed. But I don’t think he can hear me. I think he will continue on doing his renovations with the hope that I will change my mind and be ok with moving in.

But the way I look at it, what I need to do is to decide if I want to be with him. I don’t enjoy having my flaws pointed out to me for the benefit of his enjoyment. I know I’m less than perfect, but he is too. I just don’t have the need to keep reminding him the way he loves to tease me and remind me. It’s hurtful and I want it to stop. I told him before leaving today and we will see if he has heard me.

Things need to change between us. I love him and I know he loves me. We are 2 very different people with a lot in common but we have a lot to learn about each other. Let’s hope that we we both learn keeps us on the ultimate path we both want – to be together for the second half of our lives.


Three Men and a Lady – My First Foursome

I had just experienced my first MMMF. I could not have continued playing any more that I had at that point, or so I thought​. ​


I’ve been asked by a couple of readers to expand on my foursome experience from a few weeks ago. So, here it is.

A few weeks ago, we went to a swing party at a home ​an hour outside of town. ​ ​I had been there on my own in the past but this was the first time for Gary to go. He’d never been to a swing party at a home with this many people. ​There were about 40 couples and a ​few​ single guys ​on this particular night​.​ We were celebrating Easter so all the women were wearing their best Playboy Bunny outfits. A few men were dressed as Hugh Heffner so that was a lot of fun. I received several compliments on my costume. From what I was told, when I walked by, not only were the men watching me, but so were several women. My curves and long blond hair attract a lot of attention.

Gary and I were probably the first to go downstairs to have fun in the play area. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other. This was his first time there and he was excited to play. One by one, other couples came downstairs to join us in​ the play area as well. There was enough room around us that we had plenty​ of space​ to enjoy ourselves. After a while, Mike, a guy I had met before but never played with, came down to watch the action. At that point, Gary had asked me if I wanted to have someone join us. I thought to myself, why no​t, ​I know how much fun it can be. So, I invited Mike over. Wow, I was glad I did. Not only was he well endowed, but he has a great body. The whole package really. So, the three of us played ​blissfully​ together ​while​ the play area got more and more busy. Eventually, a couple​​ l​aid​ next to us. ​The room was getting crowded and there were about 6 other couples playing. ​At one point, the woman invited her husband to join her and her play partner. But, instead, he​ sat down behind Gary and​ started to touch me. First, he touched my legs, leading up to my pussy. His hands were soft and tender. Gary was on top of me, and I was sucking Mike. I guess at one point my eyes opened wide and Gary realized that there was someone behind him. He whispered to me asking me if I wanted to have this other man leave. I told him no, it was ​not necessary​.​ Normally, an individual would not join uninvited to play with people like that but I felt safe at that moment and didn’t mind. ​Within time, this man moved up closer, and started to caress my breasts while Gary was still fucking me and I was sucking Mike. It was so hot, having these 3 men playing with me,​ and knowing​ others around were watching​ us, it was a real turn-on​. I was on top of the world. I have never had that much stimulation at once from so many men. First I would suck Mike, then turned towards the other man. Gary moved over so Mike would have a chance to fuck me while I sucked him and this other guy. Spectacular! This lasted almost 2 hours. The touching, caressing, sucking and fucking was so overwhelming. I was panting hard, orgasming like crazy and simply totally spent when we were done. I had just experienced my first MMMF.  I could not have continued playing any more that I had at that point, or so I thought​. ​We​ slowly​ got dressed and went upstairs for a drink.
Within an hour, we decided to go back downstairs because Gary was going to put me on the table to give me a massage.

​While h​e massaged me​, ​I lay quietly watching a couple play together. This​ was a couple I had played with in the past, so watching them was pleasant. I knew they were married and found it really pleasing to see them still enjoy each other as much as they did.
While Gary was massaging me, a woman ​approached us and I asked if she wanted to join in. ​ She was happy to oblige. ​Once the massage was over though, ​I asked if she would be interested in playing with us. Well, Gary ha​d​ never played with 2 women before and I had never had a partner play with me and another woman so I was nervous about how I would feel about it. ​I was worried that I would be jealous and really hate the experience. So, from the massage table​, we went to the matt where we were going to play. Immediately, Gary started to do oral on this woman. And because I’m not bi, I started to massage his back and just touch him​ wherever​. But after a few minutes, I realized that ​there was no room in this trio for me​. Seeing that’s not my style, I looked over and saw the couple that I knew still playing. At that point, the husband saw me and invited me over. So, I took advantage of the invite and went over to play with him while Gary was busy with this other woman. Gary is a very visual person. He is also someone who rarely orgasms. He has only orgasmed 2 or 3 times in the past 4 months we’ve been together. Not because he’s not stimulated but because he has trained himself to not orgasm until his partner has been totally satisfied. But then, sometimes he goes beyond the point of being able to and it simply doesn’t happen. That’s what happened that night during the foursome. He simply could not orgasm. But, once he saw me sucking my friend’s cock, while he was fucking this ​new ​woman​ that​ he did not know, well, he ​exploded.​.. he came so quickly after entering her that he felt like it was his first time having sex. He simply couldn’t help himself. He was excited about the evening, he was excited watching me give oral to another man and he was excited that I invited a woman to play with him. It was the perfect storm. He blew his load after being in this woman for about 5 minutes. Something he had never done before. It was incredible. I was so relieved that I didn’t have that sense of jealousy. How could I? He has allowed me to have as many men as I want, when I want. I could not deny him that as well.​ I was happy to do it for him and will do it again. but the next time, he knows what he needs to do in order to make it a threesome. ​

Sex is pleasure. It doesn’t have to be about jealousy and getting emotions all tangled up. Yes, it can lead to that if you play with the person often, get to know them on a personal basis, such as Gary and I have, but if it’s a one-time thing or the occasional tryst, then it can be managed. I’m just glad I ​gave him that experience​. It made him so happy that I was able to do that for him. It was worth it​ and I will do it again.​



Sensual Touch

massage oils

Another weekend, another great sensual and sexy experience! Yes, I was lucky enough to spend the weekend with my wonderful artist Gary. He is the most sensual, exhilarating man that I know.

Our Friday evening started like any other Friday evening. A little bit of chatting, a glass of wine then kissing.​ We love to kiss and I’m so happy about that. I married a man who rarely enjoyed kissing so it’s been a beautiful re-discovery. Eventually​ we moved to the bedroom, ​and ​as usual, that’s when the magic happened. We started with a full body massage.  He works with large stones when he carves and it can take a toll on his body. So, for a treat, I la​y​ him down on his stomach, ​poured ​oil all over h​is back​ and started to​ give him a​ massage. ​Hearing the moans and groans, I knew he was enjoying it. With that inspiration, I got the idea to pour oil on my breasts, and proceeded to rub my whole front side up and down his back. ​By his reaction, ​​I could tell that he was enjoying himself immensely. This lasted for a short moment, until he turned around and looked at me. He had a look I have never seen from him before. His face had an expression of tranquility and desire. It was so beautiful to see. I had managed to make him feel just as I had felt on the evening he took such good care of me with a massage back in February. ​On that particular night, we were to go to a Valentine’s swing party but I simply was feeling too sad and vulnerable. ​I was not in the frame of mind to play with anyone. So, instead, ​that evening, he made me feel loved and desired. A feeling I had not felt in a long time.

Once he turned around and looked at me, we kissed and embraced. But then, that’s where the real action started. I wanted him to feel pampered and spoiled. The best way I know how to do that is to be on top and do the work. I love being on top. I love how he enjoys it so much and calls out my name. I love how he holds my breast while I move back and forth and the way he looks into my eyes with such love and adoration.  Being on top gives me the opportunity to ultimately please him while also being pleasured. It’s simply awesome.

This was probably one of the most sensual and romantic love making sessions I have ever experienced. I know we will never be able to repeat that very experience, but I look forward to many more in the months and hopefully the years to come.

I have been lucky to have a man such as Gary in my life. Yes, we met because he wanted to photograph me with the purpose of painting and sculpting my body, but his soul is what spoke to me when we met. I fell in love with him the first time I posed nude.

​Although h​e​ continuously​ tells me that he is the lucky on​e and that he​ has hit the jackpot by meeting me. Not only does he find me very beautiful, but because I am also very sexual, that has been a huge part of our relationship. We both revel in each others bodies and truly love sex. We have had male partners join us in our fun because Gary loves to watch me have sex. He finds me at my most beautiful when I am excited and turned on. He loves to watch a man please me and bring me to climax. When we play as a threesome, Gary will watch, take a few photos then join in on the fun. This whole process is a huge turn-on for him and I love it too. What’s not to love eh. I get to be with my lover and have the pleasure of choosing another man to join us.

I have gone from zero to 100 on the sex scale of joy in a short year and a half since I’ve started in this lifestyle.



Sex on the Brain

Gary really thinks he won the lottery by being with me. In a lot of ways, I feel the same but I have a sense of emptiness sometimes

I’ve been spending a lot of my weekends with Gary lately. I went yesterday afternoon to spend time with him because he had an art show and I wanted to be there to support him. He’s a wonderfully talented artist. But I noticed during our conversations that a lot of what we have in common is sex. Our conversations tend to revolve around sex all the time. Now that I’ve started to notice it and it really has me questioning how much we have in common. Don’t get me wrong, sex is a great subject but does every conversation have to end up as a sexual innuendo or a discussion of what he wants to do sexually with me the next time?  He loves the fact that I am very sexual but it also stresses me out in the sense that if I ever decide I need to step away from playing so much, how will he feel? He loves that I love to play in threesomes, but I think that eventually, I will want to just be with a single partner in a loving relationship.  I don’t know if I will want to stay in this lifestyle, at least not to the point I am playing now. ​ Gary is a great lover and satisfies me completely. I do enjoy others but nobody can do it the way he does for me. Not even Matt and I’ve been with Matt for over a year.  These sex conversations are something that have been on my mind a lot today. I mentioned it briefly to him but I’m not convinced that will change anything.  I do love being with him, but do I want to spend the rest of my life with him? I have yet to know the answer to that.

You see,  Gary really thinks he won the lottery by being with me. In a lot of ways, I feel the same but I have a sense of emptiness sometimes.   I want to feel whole and joyful but I don’t.  Perhaps it’s because I am uneasy with my son knowing that I play with other men and that I was out last night at a man’s place. He doesn’t know who’s place but he knows I was out.  Perhaps if my son didn’t know, maybe I would feel fine today. I don’t know. Maybe I feel dirty and I don’t like this feeling. When my son didn’t know about what I was doing, I didn’t have this issue so much, but now that he does, hiding it is much harder.

There’s also the fact that Gary told me that he would be going to Toronto with a female friend (V) of his that he played with before. She likes to go to a swing club out there and always asks that he take her because she doesn’t like to go alone. It kind of annoys me that I will miss out on a Saturday night with him because of her. The worst part is, I know she wants to be more to him than a friend but he doesn’t see it. I remind him that every time he does something like this with her, it sends her the wrong signals. She probably thinks that he will eventually leave me and go with her. He tells me he’s not interested in her. She’s a big woman and although that doesn’t bother him, I still think he likes the fact that she wants him and it makes me crazy.  I’ve never had to share any of my partners with other women. They always only had me as a partner. Now, with Gary, he has his V and a couple that he plays with. I don’t mind the couple, but him playing with V who is a single woman that make me crazy, I simply want to scream!


Where do I go from here? Keep on Swinging!

If I hadn’t chosen this lifestyle, our marriage may not be in jeopardy. It’s difficult to say though. So, I think playing together as a couple, you share a part of you with the person you love and it can be a bonding experience.

It’s happened. I’m falling deeply in love with my artist. So where do I go from here you ask? I’m not sure. But I do know one thing, I spend a lot of time thinking about him and wondering what my life would be if we were together as a permanent couple. Yes, I realize we are in the honeymoon period of our relationship at the moment, but it just feels so good and so right.

The other day during a very boring meeting, I found myself doing a list comparing him with my husband. I know that seems rather unusual for a woman my age (52) but I needed to find a way to sort things out in my head. You see, my husband doesn’t drive, doesn’t want or need sex, has no drive to better himself and refuses to do any type of physical work around the house. To top it all off, he’s a depressive human being and sees negativity all around him. Living with him hasn’t always been easy. He has put me in a depression simply from being with him so much and seeing him that way. It’s difficult on a person to live like that.

My artist on the other hand lives life to the fullest. Having lost his wife a few years ago, taught him that life is too short to be unhappy. I love that he is a positive person.  Being around him makes me feel good. His positivity is as infectious and he makes me happy. Don’t get me wrong, my artist can be very serious and insightful when he needs to be. When I’m struggling with decisions about my marriage, he is always there willing and ready to talk to me about it. He doesn’t push me, nor try to convince me to stay or leave my husband. He wants it to be my decision so that when I finally do decide what it is I want to do there will be no regrets. He has also told me that regardless of my decision, he will support me throughout. He wants me happy and will be there for me to lean one when I need to.  He’s a very special man.

Don’t get me wrong though, he is not perfect. Nobody is. This past week, I had a very bad day at work and simply needed to talk to him to say hello.  But he was not answering my phone calls nor my texts. It was very upsetting. I felt that I had already been forgotten about. My insecurities took the best of me and had me believing that it was a case of out of sight, out of mind. But, the next day after he read my email to him telling him I was very upset that he ignored me so much, he apologized profusely and promised to do better. So far, I have to admit, he’s done better and I am happy about that.  I’m not trying to control him, but being acknowledged by the one you love is nice and a couple of texts a day or a phone call is not too much to ask for in my opinion. Considering we only get to see each other once a week.

One thing we did talk about is if he and I get together as a couple, we would like to continue to swing with others, but together as a couple. We have been together for 3 months now and have had 2 other men join us to play. One was my other partner, and the other was a friend that I met at the club. He is what people call in the swinging community a BBC – Big Black Cock.  And that he certainly is. It was a lot of fun for both of us and we don’t want to lose that type of playing any time soon. But I think that if we play together with others, our bond will strengthen. Playing apart as I have learned, can cause issues. Although my husband doesn’t play, I have had the opportunity to meet a lot of men on my own and it can open your eyes to things you are missing in your life. If I hadn’t chosen this lifestyle, our marriage may not be in jeopardy. It’s difficult to say though. So, I think playing together as a couple, you share a part of you with the person you love and it can be a bonding experience.

Life is too short not to live it to the fullest and for us this lifestyle allows us to explore our sexuality like we have never been free to do before.



The Other Man

I felt like I had known him forever. I wanted to touch him, talk to him and be near him from the first day I posed nude for him. I simply couldn’t and still can’t get enough of him.

My artist is a widower.  I think I mentioned that in a previous post. He is free to love and be loved by whomever he chooses. Although it’s only been a couple of months, he has already told me that he loves me. I have fallen hard for him as well. He is able to provide me with the affection and desire that I have been lacking in my marriage for years. That need to be needed and wanted. So, therein lies the problem. I have my husband whom I share a history with and a new man that I am falling deeply in love with. I don’t have the strength to leave him knowing that our relationship could ruin my marriage. I desire him so wholly and completely. There are days when I imagine my life with him but at the same time, I can’t imagine my life without my husband.  Well, most days I can’t. Today isn’t one of them. I can very easily imagine my life without my husband.

Recently, that has been happening a lot. My husband is working evenings now so we see each other about 15 minutes a day during the week. I don’t seem to miss him at all.  Our 22 year old son has been much more talkative and outgoing with me now that his father is not around as much. It’s not that they don’t get along, it’s just that our son has no respect for his father. My husband has been out of work on and off a lot over the past 11 years. Our son finds him very complacent with regards to money, work and frankly our marriage. Our son knows that there is something going on with me, but he’s not aware of the details. I told him as much as I could – that I was not having an affair and that his father is aware of everything I am doing.  I left it at that. I didn’t tell him I was a swinger but I also did not want him to think I was having an affair. I didn’t want him to lose respect for me. So, it was important to me to set things straight. Therein lies part of the problem. He now thinks his father is a “pussy” because he’s not fighting for me or our marriage. Yes, those are the words he used in a text to his father the night I explained to him that things were not quite what they seemed. He  doesn’t understand how his father could allow me to be with other men or another man (I’m not sure what he thinks). He doesn’t understand why I stay with his father knowing full well that I have sacrificed so much of my life to keep the family together. He resents his father for not having the courage to support his family and to show ambition. Our son wants to look up to his father, but he can’t. In his eyes, there’s nothing there to admire.  You have to understand one thing about our son. He is a Type A personality. He’s competitive, brilliant (will be applying to MIT, Oxford, Cambridge and the LSE), outgoing and ambitious. His father is none of those things. I point blank asked him if he loves his father. He said he did, but has no respect for him or nothing in common with him. I find that very sad.

There was a time that I thought my husband was my ideal soulmate. We got along very well and still do in most respects. But he has changed. He is depressed and that comes out as anger. He is explosive at the smallest things. His anger is never towards me, but I am always there to see it. But now it seems that my idea of a soulmate has changed.  I can’t pinpoint exactly what it is, but I have found that when I first met Gary (my artist), I knew I met someone special. It was like déjà vu. I felt like I had known him forever. I wanted to touch him, talk to him and be near him from the first day I posed nude for him.  I simply couldn’t and still can’t get enough of him. Granted, we have never spent more than 2 days together and most of that time is spent in his bedroom. But we do more than have sex. We talk about the important things in life. We talk about my marriage and family, he tells me wonderful stories about his wife and their son growing up.  We talk about his art, my work, the renovations he is doing, the travelling we have both done, etc. We are never at a loss of what to say, but yet, we are also very comfortable with silence. We talk about the people we have played with and will play with together. We are very open and honest with each other about our emotional and physical needs.

Gary has told me that he is happy to be the “Other Man” if that’s what it takes for him to be in my life. He is also prepared to  have his heart broken if I decide one day that I can no longer be with him because it is ruining my marriage. But, in all honesty, I fear that he will decide to move on from me because he is looking for a woman who can provide him with a real relationship. One that entails going on holidays together, spending most evenings together and providing him with unconditional love that he deserves.  He is such a good hearted human being, and I am scared that I will lose him. He has shown me more than any man has ever given me. But ultimately, only time will tell. What we both need to do now is to focus on what we have in the present moment and enjoy each other while we can.  I really do love him. ♥  He makes me whole.

“A woman knows the face of the man she loves as a sailor knows the open sea.”
— Honore de Balzac