This blog is a bit different than most of them. I guess I need to rant and let out some frustration here because I have nobody I can turn to. So, bare with me please.
A couple of weeks ago, Gary and I talked about moving in together. I was quite exciting when he asked and thought I was the luckiest woman in the world. Neither of us are in a real hurry, and both agreed that it was our ultimate goal. I decided I wanted to wait until at least next summer so I could experience life on my own. I have never lived by myself and decided that I need to have a bit of time alone after my son moves out this September and my husband leaves in October. Gary is in full agreement because he neither is prepared for such a big step albeit one we wish to aim for.
But now I wonder if it’s really the best decision for me. Here’s my story:
The weekend started like any other weekend. Gary and I went back to his place on Friday after work before he went off to his second job for the day as a renovator. He left at around 4pm to go and I stayed at his place as always. I cleaned the bedroom, vacuumed the main floor and washed the dishes. After living alone for as long as he has, he has gotten into the habit of not picking up after himself. The fact that he works all day and goes to work most evenings doesn’t help the matter. He never has time to clean, so when I go there, I tend do it. I think it’s just as much for my sanity, because I’m use to a clean home, as much as it is to help him. Besides, what else am I going to do sitting around the house waiting for him to return from work.
Finally, at around 7:30 pm he arrived home. He showered and we sat around chatting a bit. We hadn’t had supper yet and I was getting hungry. I’m a bit of a slave to my stomach. I get cranky when I get too hungry – kind of a Joe Pesci thing, if you know the commercial. But because Gary was out working, I waited. He’s the cook in this couple and a very good cook at that. Plus it’s his kitchen and knows where everything is. So, I don’t mind waiting for him for us to eat. Then when I mentioned I was getting hungry I asked when he was going to start supper. That was the first moment that he snapped at me. I took it in stride because I knew he was tired and had a long day. So, I told him that for now on, when he works evenings, I will make dinner and he can eat when he gets home. Disagreement solved.
We ate our dinner and watched a bit of tv. We crawled into bed around 11pm and had a great time between the sheets. That’s an area where we are very compatible. We know how to please each other and we know what the other likes.
Saturday morning, we got busy doing work around the house that needed to be done. It was rather uneventful. We were planning on going to a swingers pool party but the weather wasn’t agreeing with our plans so we cancelled. We decided that maybe we would go to the swingers club for couples night instead. As the afternoon wore on, Gary decided to show me pictures of Mexico where he lived for 2 months with a woman he dated for 3 years. I was ok with looking at the pictures for a short time, but it went on for over an hour and how he and her did this and that. There were numerous pictures of her in various poses around the city and half nude on their patio. I didn’t care that much at first, but it just went on for too long. I finally told him I wanted to stop looking at them because my neck was getting sore. Granted, the pictures were beautiful but simply far too many. Well, he got a bit annoyed at me about that too. It seemed like I couldn’t win, no matter what I said. I noticed he took a hit of pot, which I really dislike him doing that around me. I find his personality changes even if he refuses to believe me. So, I ignore it. But when I explained later when we went for a walk that I don’t want to be constantly reminded about his life with his ex-girlfriend, he seemed to understand…to a point. He seemed to think that because living in Mexico was part of his life for 2 months and he really wanted to show me, that I should be ok with it. But I reminded him that I travelled extensively throughout North America and Europe with my husband and son over the past 25 years, but do not share it all with him because it’s my past and he is my present.
Later that evening, I went for a bath. Gary renovated his bathroom to suit his late wife. She wanted a deep tub with jets so she could soak and relax. It sounds luxurious but the top of the top goes over my shoulders when I’m sitting down in it. I’m only 5’4″ so having a tub that big makes getting in and out of it pretty difficult. Just picking myself up out of the tub is a job in itself. In order to get out, I need to use all my arm strength. But with a very sore shoulder, that’s not easy to do. When I finally crawled out, I made the mistake of telling him it was difficult getting out of the tub because it’s so deep. Again, he let out a big sigh. I had once again managed to annoy him. Funny enough, I’m not a complainer nor do I whine about stuff just for the sake of whining. He seemed to think that I wanted him to change the bathtub and undo all the work he did. Obviously I didn’t want that at all. After all, he made it for his wife and not only did he do an amazing job, but it’s sentimental to him and his son, I’m sure. He surrounded the bath tub with beautiful stone work and hand carved celtic stone.
When I expressed my concern with him being annoyed with me once again, he told me he wasn’t annoyed but was trying to come up with a solution. His solution was to build me my own spa bathroom if I decide to move in with him next year. A bathroom built to my specifications. That all sounds amazing, but it doesn’t take away the hurt I felt by his reaction.
We eventually went to bed, not angry but not as playful as we usually are. I felt sad that our evening had been riddled with tension.
Sunday morning finally rolled around and again, he snapped at something else. I finally had enough and went into the house to think. I needed to decide if this was how I was going to live out my next 25 years. Do I want to be with a man who has a short fuse with me, loves to tease me in a hurtful ways or is simply annoyed by me and my ways? I’m not use to being spoken to the way he talks to me. My husband doesn’t speak to me that way and I wouldn’t accept it from anyone else. Maybe I am flawed and possibly one of those flaws are me being too sensitive. If that’s the case, he will have to learn to adjust his ways and I will have to toughen up.
But at the same time, I know he loves me. We’ve been “together” for 8 months now and I feel it very day in the little gestures he does. He’s kind, considerate and makes me laugh. Not to mention the intimate connection we share together. That’s a strong pull. Plus he is willing to renovate a small portion of his home for me if that’s what I want. And since he met me, he has decided to finally fix up his backyard and his front yard so we can enjoy it together. But, do I really want to live in his and her home. The home he shared with his wife for 25 years before she passed away? I’m not sure I want to. It doesn’t feel like home to me. It doesn’t feel like I belong there. Not only that, I don’t feel comfortable asking him to make changes for me. He loves his home and he has good memories there, which is wonderful but it’s just not my place. No more than my home is his style or in his comfort zone. What I really think we should do is to buy a home that represents the two of us and the life we want to share together. Something that allows us equal input into the decor and changes that will be needed. But I don’t think he can hear me. I think he will continue on doing his renovations with the hope that I will change my mind and be ok with moving in.
But the way I look at it, what I need to do is to decide if I want to be with him. I don’t enjoy having my flaws pointed out to me for the benefit of his enjoyment. I know I’m less than perfect, but he is too. I just don’t have the need to keep reminding him the way he loves to tease me and remind me. It’s hurtful and I want it to stop. I told him before leaving today and we will see if he has heard me.
Things need to change between us. I love him and I know he loves me. We are 2 very different people with a lot in common but we have a lot to learn about each other. Let’s hope that we we both learn keeps us on the ultimate path we both want – to be together for the second half of our lives.