The Other Man

I felt like I had known him forever. I wanted to touch him, talk to him and be near him from the first day I posed nude for him. I simply couldn’t and still can’t get enough of him.

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My artist is a widower.  I think I mentioned that in a previous post. He is free to love and be loved by whomever he chooses. Although it’s only been a couple of months, he has already told me that he loves me. I have fallen hard for him as well. He is able to provide me with the affection and desire that I have been lacking in my marriage for years. That need to be needed and wanted. So, therein lies the problem. I have my husband whom I share a history with and a new man that I am falling deeply in love with. I don’t have the strength to leave him knowing that our relationship could ruin my marriage. I desire him so wholly and completely. There are days when I imagine my life with him but at the same time, I can’t imagine my life without my husband.  Well, most days I can’t. Today isn’t one of them. I can very easily imagine my life without my husband.

Recently, that has been happening a lot. My husband is working evenings now so we see each other about 15 minutes a day during the week. I don’t seem to miss him at all.  Our 22 year old son has been much more talkative and outgoing with me now that his father is not around as much. It’s not that they don’t get along, it’s just that our son has no respect for his father. My husband has been out of work on and off a lot over the past 11 years. Our son finds him very complacent with regards to money, work and frankly our marriage. Our son knows that there is something going on with me, but he’s not aware of the details. I told him as much as I could – that I was not having an affair and that his father is aware of everything I am doing.  I left it at that. I didn’t tell him I was a swinger but I also did not want him to think I was having an affair. I didn’t want him to lose respect for me. So, it was important to me to set things straight. Therein lies part of the problem. He now thinks his father is a “pussy” because he’s not fighting for me or our marriage. Yes, those are the words he used in a text to his father the night I explained to him that things were not quite what they seemed. He  doesn’t understand how his father could allow me to be with other men or another man (I’m not sure what he thinks). He doesn’t understand why I stay with his father knowing full well that I have sacrificed so much of my life to keep the family together. He resents his father for not having the courage to support his family and to show ambition. Our son wants to look up to his father, but he can’t. In his eyes, there’s nothing there to admire.  You have to understand one thing about our son. He is a Type A personality. He’s competitive, brilliant (will be applying to MIT, Oxford, Cambridge and the LSE), outgoing and ambitious. His father is none of those things. I point blank asked him if he loves his father. He said he did, but has no respect for him or nothing in common with him. I find that very sad.

There was a time that I thought my husband was my ideal soulmate. We got along very well and still do in most respects. But he has changed. He is depressed and that comes out as anger. He is explosive at the smallest things. His anger is never towards me, but I am always there to see it. But now it seems that my idea of a soulmate has changed.  I can’t pinpoint exactly what it is, but I have found that when I first met Gary (my artist), I knew I met someone special. It was like déjà vu. I felt like I had known him forever. I wanted to touch him, talk to him and be near him from the first day I posed nude for him.  I simply couldn’t and still can’t get enough of him. Granted, we have never spent more than 2 days together and most of that time is spent in his bedroom. But we do more than have sex. We talk about the important things in life. We talk about my marriage and family, he tells me wonderful stories about his wife and their son growing up.  We talk about his art, my work, the renovations he is doing, the travelling we have both done, etc. We are never at a loss of what to say, but yet, we are also very comfortable with silence. We talk about the people we have played with and will play with together. We are very open and honest with each other about our emotional and physical needs.

Gary has told me that he is happy to be the “Other Man” if that’s what it takes for him to be in my life. He is also prepared to  have his heart broken if I decide one day that I can no longer be with him because it is ruining my marriage. But, in all honesty, I fear that he will decide to move on from me because he is looking for a woman who can provide him with a real relationship. One that entails going on holidays together, spending most evenings together and providing him with unconditional love that he deserves.  He is such a good hearted human being, and I am scared that I will lose him. He has shown me more than any man has ever given me. But ultimately, only time will tell. What we both need to do now is to focus on what we have in the present moment and enjoy each other while we can.  I really do love him. ♥  He makes me whole.

“A woman knows the face of the man she loves as a sailor knows the open sea.”
— Honore de Balzac

 

Swinging – Me, my lover and the Artist

He then spent the rest of the evening massaging me, touching me and making me feel whole again. I have never experienced such love and devotion before. He really put my needs ahead of everything. It was a sensual evening of touch, kissing, romance and music. He had a log in the fireplace, served cheese, crackers and grapes for us to snack on. Talk about a romantic.

Like I’ve been saying all year long, I’m the luckiest woman alive.  Not only do I have an amazing lover in Matt, but my new artist lover Gary has turned out to be an extraordinary man in his own right.

Our threesome was just as I expected. Absolutely wonderful. Both men in my life treat me like a lady and always put my needs and desires first. But being the type of person I am, I always want to make sure my partner is pleased as well. But while in the middle of our threesome, I was unsure of who to focus on. Did I focus on Matt, my long-term lover because he was in a strange home and new environment or did I focus on my artist because it was his home and I didn’t want him to feel left out because he is new in my life. But, being the gentle beautiful man that he is, he stepped back and made sure that Matt and I were comfortable together in his presence first and foremost. He decided to take photos of us together to start, to get us comfortable with him being there and so that he could sketch us together later on. The sketch on the top of this blog is one that he will paint and put over his bed in his room. He doesn’t care that it’s another man in the painting, he just loves knowing that when he took the picture, I was fully satisfied and happy. He always puts my needs before his at all times.

Once he was finished with his photography, he joined us and the play began. It was spectacular. Between the two of them, I was constantly moaning and groaning and in complete ecstasy. They are both very attentive lovers and always ensure that I am pleased first and foremost.  So, knowing that, I wanted to ensure that they were equally pleased too. I never expect my lovers to only give without me returning the pleasure. So, I did. Sometimes I focused more on one than the other, sometimes at the same time. When it was only one at a time, the other would step back and watch.  It was an incredible experience. Threesomes can be extremely satisfying with the right partners.

I really don’t think this experience would ever have been so amazing and sensual if I hadn’t felt the way I do about my guys. Yes, I love Matt and after a year, I don’t think that’s a big surprise. I don’t think I could have played with him this whole time without developing feelings for him. Whereas Gary, it happened very quickly. He’s got an amazing soul and being.  He makes me laugh and makes me smile. When I’m in a bad mood, just one look at him, and I feel better immediately.

For instance, this weekend we were suppose to go to a Valentine swing party. He was going to bring the food, I was bringing the gift for the gift exchange. Our plan was to play together, have fun in the hot tub and possibly find others to play with. He’d never been to this place and I wanted him to experience it. I have been a couple of times already and I know going with him would have been a lot of fun.

But, I wasn’t feeling well. I was bloated, had pain in my shoulder and felt very cranky. So, instead of going to the party, I went to his place to spend the night. When I arrived at his home, he had heating pads for my neck and shoulders, as well as one for my belly. He then spent the rest of the evening massaging me, touching me and making me feel whole again. I have never experienced such love and devotion before. He really put my needs ahead of everything. It was a sensual evening of touch, kissing, romance and music. He had a log in the fireplace, served cheese, crackers and grapes for us to snack on. Talk about a romantic.  Not once did he ask to play or expect to. No expectations, no demands and no mention of being disappointed that we couldn’t play. He really is one in a million.

But as the night progressed and I started to feel better, so we played for a while. We played again when we woke up at 4:30 am. Morning sex really is great. Something I knew nothing about before he and I got together. My husband was never much into sex in the morning – or was that me? Regardless, I have discovered how great it really can be.  When we were finished playing, we snuggled in each others arms and fell back to sleep for a few more hours.

Blissful.

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Swinging – A Letter to my Lover

Who knew that day a year ago that we would still be together in this capacity. I certainly didn’t know what to expect when I met him but I did know immediately that I liked him. I could sense he was a nice person and that he would be easy to get along with. I was right about that. The fact that was tall, dark and handsome was certainly a bonus. Up until that point, I didn’t know I had a type. When I saw him walk into the coffee shop with his suit and beautiful smile, I decided right there and then that I had a type and he was it.

 

Yesterday was the one year anniversary that my partner Matt and I have been together. In honour of our anniversary, I decided to write him a letter about how I have been feeling and that I am very happy that we have managed to stay together.

Who knew that day a year ago that we would still be together in this capacity. I certainly didn’t know what to expect when I met him but I did know immediately that I liked him. I could sense he was a nice person and that he would be easy to get along with. I was right about that. The fact that he was tall, dark and handsome was certainly a bonus. Up until that point, I didn’t know I had a type. When I saw him walk into the coffee shop with his suit and beautiful smile, I decided right there and then that I had a type and he was it.
I have wonderful memories of the beginning of our relationship. Laughing and making plans and creating our sexual bucket lists all while enjoying each others company. I remember being in the coffee shop and he would slip his hand up my skirt to find out I wasn’t wearing panties. Or he would have me lean forward so he could look down my top. Or while sitting in a workshop, he would snap a picture of his penis and send it to me. It was fun and light and we maximized on the sexual tension that was between us leading up to our next play date. Remembering those coffee dates will always be cherished and will always put a smile on my face.
I must admit, there have been times that I wondered if we were going to make it this far. For instance, when he came back from his month-long business trip. He had changed so much and we no longer had that light playfulness between us. It was actually painful at times and I remember crying for an hour after we had our first meeting. It was extremely sad. I’m not exactly sure how we made it past that point but something turned around along the way, I’m not sure where or when, but I was glad we stuck it out. It would have been a mistake to let it end that way because it had been so wonderful up to that point and became wonderful again.
For a month leading up to Christmas, I had resigned to being just with him and was quite content that way.  Meeting  him every morning for coffee was enough for me and I wished it could have continued. I was happy and felt very fulfilled with our relationship the way it was. Unfortunately, it all came to an abrupt end when my office moved across town. Now we try to see each other at least once a week but that’s not always feasible either.

The reason I decided to write the letter was to express to him all the feelings that I have kept pent up. As you can imagine, after a year, feelings grow between people. But he is married and therefore, it is somewhat easier to keep our feelings at bay and not get too caught up into the moment.

And I have my artist partner now as well. He is a widower. He is more the way I am. I need to tell people how I feel about them and express my feelings. He does as well. This makes it much easier to share our feelings knowing full well that I am still married and therefore nothing will come of it.

But therein lies the problem.  Is it really fair that I allow myself to get swept up in a relationship with a man, while married? Yes, my husband has given me permission to play with others, but when I embarked on this lifestyle, I agreed to not date single men. With my artist, things have taken a bit of a turn. I wasn’t planning on playing with him at all. The purpose of meeting with him was to pose and for him to sculpt and paint me. But, I felt very good with him and we had an instant connection. So far, I have stayed at his home overnight twice now and I have never done that with any of my other partners. We see each other at least twice or three times a week. We love each others company and have a wonderful sexual relationship together.  This is all pretty scary. Now, I realize that we never would have allowed our emotional relationship to move as quickly if we were both single, knowing the implications of what that means, but we have expressed ourselves freely  because of me being married.  I’ve never done that with my other partners.

When I started out in this lifestyle, my expectations were never to find a new husband. I love my husband now and I did when I started out. But, I have realized was that I missed the connection and emotional attachment with my husband. Yes, the sex was gone, but so were the other elements. They are extremely important aspects of a marriage and when those are all missing, there’s not much else. We have a friendship and a wonderful son, a beautiful history together but is that always enough? What about the passion and love? Does that ever come back? Do I ruin what we have and hope that one day I will capture all that I feel I have been missing with another man? It scares the hell out of me. But at the same time, staying scares me too. After all, I’m not getting younger.

PS. The reply I received from my partner Matt to the letter I sent to him was simply wonderful. Suffice it to say, he feels the same and even used the words love when he spoke about he and I. He didn’t say he loved me but he did say there was love and for me, that’s good enough. That’s the first time he has ever come close to admitting those feelings to me. 🙂  I’m a happy woman.

On another note, I will be an even happier women by the end of today. The reason for that is my partner Matt is coming over to my artist partner’s home and Matt and I will pose for him so he can sculpt us. Then the three of us will have a play date together. I can’t wait. Threesomes are absolutely the best!

 

The Artist and the Model

Have you ever been told that you inspired someone enough to want to paint and sculpt you? Well, up until 2 weeks ago, I never had, not really. But now, that’s all changed.

sculpture

Have you ever been told that you inspired someone enough to want to paint and sculpt you? Well, up until 2 weeks ago, I never had, not really.  But now, that’s all changed.

You see, 2 weeks ago I was contacted by a local artist who is also in the swinging lifestyle. He has a profile on the same swinging website that I do. So when he saw my pictures, he contacted me and asked if I would be interested in modelling for him. I had received emails like that in the past but they always seemed a bit sketchy. The aim for those artists was always to have me come to their homes so they could sketch me but with the full intentions of me playing with them. But, in this instance, he told me that if I wanted to play, that was optional but it was not his main intention. What he really wanted was a woman with beautiful curves that he could use in a series of sculptures and paintings he could show at an art gallery. Well, that idea was certainly intriguing. He sent me a link to his website so that I could view his other art with the express purpose to prove to me that he really was what he said he was; an artist. And he proved to me that he was legit.  I became very excited about posing for a real artist along with the prospect of being immortalized on canvas and stone.

A few days later, I agreed to meet with him over coffee to see if he was someone that I felt I could trust and be at ease with. After all, I was going to be spending several hours with that man, nude in his home for long periods time. It was important for me to feel comfortable with him. As luck would have it, he is a warm, affectionate and caring individual. I instantly liked him and felt his warmth come across. Almost like someone I had known for a very long time. I agreed to pose for him the moment he smiled at me and said hello.

This past Tuesday, that moment finally came. What an amazing experience it was. I arrived at his home and he proceeded to show me around his studio, all his art work and the pieces he was planning of making of me. I admired his paintings and his multi-medium pieces, along with the sculptures he had carved in stone and marble. I was very excited at the prospect of posing for him. Eventually, we made our way back to his bedroom which he also turned into a mini studio. He has a large home but he is a widower and prefers to work late into the night. In order to not disturb his son who also lives with him, he uses a smaller space in his bedroom as another studio. Which as it turns out, is necessary so that I can pose for him on his bed.

The first thing I did was to undress. He offered to leave the room but I thought that was pointless because he was going to walk in and see me naked 2 minutes later anyhow. Besides, I’m very comfortable with my body and have no issues with my own nudity. Once I was undressed, he had me lie on the bed and he proceeded to take over 300 pictures of my body in various positions.  He wanted to capture every detail of me so that when I wasn’t with him and he was working, he would have a reference of my body. It was a little odd having him take so many pictures so up close. Sometimes it was of just of a breast, other times it was of my legs or full body shots. Regardless of the shots he took, he was always very complimentary of me and he gave me a copy of all the pictures along with permission to use whatever I wanted. So, I did. I posted 9 beautiful nudes of me on the swingers website where he and I met and enjoyed all the  wonderful comments I received from others who saw them.

That first day came to an end after 4 hours, 2 glasses of wine and a lot of laughter and getting to know each other. It was an amazing day. I went home looking forward to our next meeting. I was rather surprised by how turned-on I was by the whole process. To have someone so intimately scrutinize every part of my body, looking at shapes and details, then to tell me that I am beautiful every chance he had, well, let me say this much, he made me feel beautiful. More beautiful than I had felt in a long time. After all, I’m almost 52. Yes, I do get a lot of compliments on my photos. I have a beautiful curvaceous body. My hips are defined with a smaller waist and nice size breasts. I’ve been told that I have a body shaped like Marilyn Monroe, but nobody has a body like hers. I can only aspire to looking that good. But none the less, I love my body and iI take care of it to keep it strong and healthy. But he made me feel incredibly sexy. I was very turned on by his essence and his way of being. He is a sensuous, sexy man and I wanted to do more than just to pose for him.  So, before I left, I asked him to save time the following time we got together so we could play.

On day 2 of my experience as an artist’s model was equally thrilling and ended much differently than the first day. This time we started our morning chatting and talking about the sculpture he had started the previous evening. He was inspired by our day together and wanted to start working immediately.

Once I undressed, he placed me in my pose. His hands moved along my body, touching the curvature of my spine, my hips, my arms and legs. He was feeling for muscle definition to understand my body for when he began carving the details. We worked like this for about 2 hours, took a small break then worked some more.  After a couple of hours, when I got off the bed, he laid down a fresh sheet over his comforter. He then asked me to lay on my stomach because he was going to give me a massage. I got very excited knowing that work was done, and now playtime was beginning. It was finally his turn to be naked with me.

I’d like to say though, that my new artist friend is not the typical type of guy I normally go for.  I’ve always been attracted to men who are very tall (although I’m only 5’4″), athletic, and with a thick head of hair and between 30-48 yrs old. And, that describes both of my current partners. They are both 6 feet or more with great hair and nice bodies. Well, my artist friend does not necessarily match that profile. Yes, he’s tall but less than 6 feet, not athletic (he could stand to lose a few pounds but then again, I could too) and has thinning hair. But, he’s got something else that nobody else has, that attracted me to him. He has the soul of an artist.  He’s giving, creative and very sensitive. Being with him is easy and I love being surrounded by his energy.

Once he began massaging my back with him wonderful beautiful hands, I felt the electricity between us starting to build. He moved down my back towards my bum and then started to massage between my legs.  I was so turned on, I couldn’t wait for him to move his hands closer to my pussy and massage me there. I was squirming and moving until he could no longer resist me either. Eventually, he had me on my hands and knees and entered me from behind.  OMG, he felt amazing. What a feeling to have this man inside of me. Thinking about how he made me feel, has kept me wanting more from him and in a hurry. That was over 3 days ago now and I still am longing for his touch.

Now, I’m not typically someone who likes to describe the details of my playing with others because to me, it’s very private. Particularly because of the men I chose to play with. My 2 regular partners have been in my life for 11 months now. I have grown very attached to them and our playtime is very intimate. Now, with the artist, although I’ve only been with him once, I know already that he and I are going to be together for a long time. At least that’s my hope. I know without a doubt that our playtime will be something special in the future as well and probably even more intimate as we get to know each other better. He has made me feel like I haven’t felt in a long time.

I will continue to add more details about my artist and our sessions together. I imagine they will be very sensual and again, probably not so much what swinging is all about. But, I can’t help who I am. At the heart of it all, I am someone who loves intimacy and tenderness. The Swinging Lifestyle is not necessarily set up to be that way and that’s fine. Because those moments when I do want to swing with another couple or partner, I want it to be fun and light, with great sex. With my 3 guys, it’s great sex mixed with fun, sensuality and a sense of comfort.

Swinging – Decisions, Decisions

I can have casual, consensual sex with men who I find interesting and attractive. If a relationship builds while at the club, then that’s fine, but I won’t be looking for it anymore.

Yesterday I came to the conclusion that I no longer wanted to meet men to establish a relationship to become a long-term playing partner. I realize that in the past, it was very important to me to know my partner and to know him well. The better we knew each other, the more at ease we would be when it came to having sex. It’s easier to ask for what you want and feel less judged if you want to explore something new.  But I realize now that I may have been chasing the impossible. I think I was looking for the type of relationship that I had with one of my other partners. The one that I split from three weeks ago. This type of relationship takes time and energy, neither aspects that I want to engage in at the moment. He and I were together for 9 months so I know that finding someone new to play with won’t happen overnight.

I know that no man can fulfill all my physical and emotional needs and desires while also being my sexual partner. First of all, being married precludes me from having a real relationship where that can happen, and what I mean by  that is all the perks, bells and whistle that come along when you are seeking to build a life with a new partner.  In the swingers world, that can’t happen between sexual partners. When it does, it usually leads to divorce. This divorce was likely to happen even without playing with others outside of the marriage. So, that’s not usually the cause, but just a symptom.  This is why I am very pro-polyamory (having more than one  loving relationship at the same time, with the full knowledge and consent all involved).  If our society was more accepting of it, I would certainly find myself in that situation. I know I have the capacity to love more than one man at a time. Besides, I truly don’t think one person can fulfill all your needs, emotional or physical and nor should they have to.

Despite some of the pitfalls, I think I have the best of both worlds. I have a stable marriage with my husband, a wonderful play partner that I enjoy  my morning coffee with every day, and great sex with at least once a month. So, you see, the sex might not be often, but the friendship and closeness we have after 9 months is fantastic. You could say I’m a very lucky woman. No, we don’t tell each other we love each other or pledge our undying love, but we have a different kind of closeness. It’s “No Ordinary Love” as he once pointed out to me. We can’t allow ourselves to cross those boundaries. If we did, then both our marriages could be in trouble. I use to long for him to fulfill my emotional needs but I realize that would be a mistake. Although, I have been asked the question by a couple of friends if I would leave my husband for him. There are days that I would in a heartbeat. But there are also days where I think to myself that he cheats on his wife. Why would I want to put myself through that. Then I think that I would be happy to have sex with him at least once a week, more if we had the time so he would have no need to go elsewhere. It’s sort of like a cat chasing it’s tail. I spin the same way on the issue. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to leave my husband, it’s just on those days that I’m annoyed and angry at him. After 25 years together, they are certainly bound to happen. Even after a couple of months together that can happen. Doesn’t mean you ruin a good thing when the chips are down.

The major decision that I came to today was that I would no longer look for a long-term partner but instead go the to local swinger parties  and clubs around town and find myself a little fun there. As you can imagine, sex once a month with my partner isn’t enough, so having a bit of fun at the club is what I need to do to fulfill my sexual needs. No worries of building long-term relationships for the time being. I can have casual, consensual sex with men who I find interesting and attractive.  If a relationship builds while at the club, then that’s fine, but I won’t be looking for it anymore. I will be content to be with my husband and my sexual partner and enjoy the perks of playing with whomever I desire, in a clean and safe environment.

Swinging is great!

Swinging – Romance and Lasting Love

Being together was so effortless. It really was romantic and enjoyable. I loved that day with him and he did too. That day will forever be ingrained in my mind.

wine

As a swinger, romance and lasting love is never the goal. Ultimately, what you are looking for is to find another couple to play with, preferably with your spouse. You either do a full swap or a soft swap, same room or different room or any combination thereof. In my case, because my spouse doesn’t participate in this lifestyle, I’m considered to be in an open marriage more than a swinger. The term swinger is primarily used for couples.

But regardless of the label that is given me, the guys that I play with are often times married. So, that doesn’t lend well to obtaining the type of emotional and physical intimacy that I require. For instance, I miss being romanced with candle lit dinners, dancing the night away, kissing, touching affectionately and caressing. It all just seems to fit for my personality.  But, this lifestyle doesn’t normally provide that and it’s not meant to. That type of connection is supposed to be found at home amongst couples.

Don’t get me wrong, I love all the wild monkey sex too, but for me, all the romance and caressing would be nice to come before and after sex.  It creates a lasting bond in my mind. Where a man and a woman can share in the intimacy of their lives by touching, talking, kissing, even before they remove their clothing. Luckily enough, there are those moments that both partners come together and it’s there. That connection you long for, although not entirely perfect, but perfect enough.

One of my favourite play dates with my partner during these past 9 months was a day we spent at the hotel. We went for breakfast together at a diner we both loved, then off to the hotel we went. We played for about 3 hours, having a wonderful time then decided to stop for lunch. I brought food for us from home and we ate in the hotel room.  While eating and drinking a good bottle of wine, we went through the music on his playlist and talked about the songs that we both love. I learned about his favourite band growing up and he introduced me to a new album but particularly a beautiful song and to this day, it feel like it’s our song. That song in case you are wondering is “No Ordinary Love” by Dallas Green and Pink. Is that his way of telling me how much he cares for me? I’m not sure but I would like to think so. It’s simply a beautiful song and speaks to us both. Being together was so effortless. It really was romantic and enjoyable. I loved that day with him and he did too. That day will forever be ingrained in my mind.

I miss having those days with my husband. The days were we would spend all day in bed talking about whatever subject that was brought to mind. Although, this summer, we rented a cottage for the week and opened up like never before. It was simply wonderful to have that solitude together. No distractions from phone calls and very spotty wifi that we could only get down by the water so we really had to keep ourselves entertained. We talked a lot that week and in the evenings, we played cards. One afternoon during our walk, I took the opportunity to tell him about my feelings and everything that I was experiencing with my guys. It was an intimate conversation, but done in a light easy way. That was a really great day for us as a couple. We cemented our bond once again and it was simply beautiful.

Swinging – One Year Later

Because of the resentment I am now feeling, I have found myself looking elsewhere for a man that can meet my needs, not only in the bedroom but in other areas of my life. I have started to look at single profiles. I wonder quite often what it would be like to be with a man who finds me sexually desirable and could fulfill my emotional and physical needs.

sunset

So, it’s been a year now since I’ve embarked on this new lifestyle. For the most part, it’s been a great experience. I’ve met some really wonderful people and have had a lot of fun with them – in and out of the bedroom; particularly with my two long-term partners. I’ve met couples in the lifestyle who are enjoying themselves to the fullest, playing together with other partners or apart and maintaining a very strong marriage.

However, one observation I recently made about my own situation is that I am feeling resentful towards my husband. Yes, I enjoy meeting new people and having great sex with them, but I also resent the fact that I must leave my home in order to do that. I wish that my husband would make more of an effort to have sex with me and on those rare occasions that we do, that he at least try to satisfy my needs. He seems to think that he is doing me a favour when we make love, but that feels so hollow. He has no idea how to satisfy me, makes no effort in his lovemaking and expects me to finish myself off with a toy or two because he doesn’t want to do it for me. It’s not only frustrating, but it saddens me to think that he is so selfish and unwilling to at least meet me half way. If he did, I would probably stop what I am doing, or at least reduce the amount that I am playing with others and just be with one of my partners. But, he doesn’t seem to understand or care. After 22 years of marriage and being together for 25 years I think that is quite a sad statement and difficult for me to admit.

For those who have been reading my blog from the beginning, know that the reason I got into this is because my husband had a stroke 11 years ago and lost the ability to have an erection. He disliked taking the erectile dysfunction pills (such as Cialis or Viagra) that the doctor prescribed and therefore we basically had a sexless marriage for all those years. For the most part, he was ok with it and so was I to a point. But then, one day, I decided I could no longer live like that. I had spent my 40s living like a married nun and I had had enough. I needed human touch and physical affection.

Eventually, at the suggestion of a psychologist, I sought out this lifestyle. Actually, the psychologist suggested I go out to a bar and pick some random guy up and get fucked. But, that’s not who I am. I didn’t want to cheat on my husband. He didn’t deserve that and I couldn’t live with myself if I had done that to him. So, I took what she said and decided to talk openly and honestly with my husband about my needs and we agreed to come to terms with us having an open relationship where I am allowed to explore my needs and desires without him. He is welcomed to meet or join me with any of my partners, but he has not desire or interest in doing that. Despite my efforts to talk to my husband about how I feel, he still seems to think that he is doing me a favour by allowing me to play with other men or couples. Recently, I reminded him that I am doing it because I have no choice. I probably wouldn’t be doing it if I didn’t need to. Now, here I am, a year later.

Because of the resentment I am now feeling, I have found myself looking elsewhere for a man that can meet my needs, not only in the bedroom but in other areas of my life. I have started to look at single profiles. I wonder quite often what it would be like to be with a man who finds me sexually desirable and could fulfill my emotional and physical needs.

I often feel hollow inside and full of regret knowing that I love my husband but he’s just not enough for me anymore.

Where do I go from here? Well, that’s a good question.