I DID IT!

 

Well, I finally did it. Two major life events happened to me this past weekend; one great and the other, not so great.sadness-girl-umbrella-winter-sea-bridge-hd-wallpaper

First the great one!

My partner and I went to a swing party at a private home this past Saturday night. The theme for the evening was Playboy Bunny in honour of Easter being next weekend.  There were sexy bunnies all over the house and one Hugh Hefner. It was great!  But the best part of it all was that I had my first MMMF and it wasn’t even intentional. lol

I was playing with my partner Gary on the mattress having our own fun, then we decided to invite Mike to play, a guy that I’ve known since last summer but never played with.  We played the three of us together for 30 minutes. Gary, being very visual,  said I was watched non-stop by others who were standing around. While riding Mike at one point, there were no less than 10 people watching. It was a thrill.  Then, while the three of us were playing, a guy who’s wife was playing beside us came over and started touching me. Gary asked me if I wanted him to stop but I said no, I was fine with it. It’s unusual for someone to touch without asking first but in this case, I didn’t mind too much. I saw who it was and knew that his wife was beside me so I felt safe knowing he wasn’t going to do anything too weird.  It was all pretty incredible. I have never had 3 pairs of hands touching and caressing me at once while I had a penis in my mouth, and one in my pussy. Wow, is all I can say about that.

Even while wearing my bunny outfit, Gary would walk behind me and watch all the men and women turn their heads and follow my every move. hehehe  I guess I looked kinda cute and sexy. It was incredible.

The “not so great” part of the weekend was that I had to tell my husband that we are officially separating. You might be asking yourself – Is Swinging to blame for it? I don’t know. But what I do know is that now, I feel better about things, so let me tell you why.

For those of you that have been following my blog since the beginning, you know that I started into the Swinging Lifestyle because my husband hasn’t been able to have an erection since his stroke even with the little blue pill and therefore, sex no longer was a part of our lives. He eventually became able to but simply lost interest and no longer wanted to try.  It was hurtful.  I’m sure many of you out there are saying there is more than one way to have sex, and yes, I totally agree with you. But, my husband had no interest in giving me pleasure orally or with his fingers. As a matter of fact, he was insulted that after 10 years with no sex, I bought a vibrator. Can you imagine!  I needed affection, I needed to be touched and let’s face it, I needed sex. But he was unable and unwilling to give me any. So, after much thought and a visit to a psychologist, I decided to explore the swing world. I was terrified but I knew I needed something. I could no longer live without the touch of a man or the sensation of a penis inside of me. So, you tell me, was our break-up inevitable? I think so. Nobody can live like this forever. Even my mother, a former nun in the Catholic Church, told me recently that I needed to find a man and have sex with him, even if I am still married. She say’s men do it all the time so why shouldn’t I. She is very supportive of my separation and thinks it’s about time if this is what my life has been like. I never told her about his inability to have an erection until now. She obviously doesn’t know about my lifestyle but she understands that sex is important and clearly wants me to start living again.

So, after a few hiccups over a year ago, I found 2 amazing men and spent a year having sex with them and a few others on the occasion in between. Now, I am still with one of these men – Matt, and a new man, my artist Gary for the past 4 months along with a few others for good measure. Gary loves to watch me have sex with other men (being very visual) before joining in on the fun. I love it too. Threesomes are the best.  But as I mentioned in the past, I have fallen in love with him and now I want to explore where things can go relationship wise.

Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t leave my husband solely because of Gary, but I guess he was a part of it. You see, my husband is a chronically depressed person. He is negative and not always pleasant to be around. He also takes me for granted more than he should. Gary, despite losing his wife to diabetes five years ago, a woman he was married to for 25 years, he still find it easy to laugh and enjoy life to the fullest. It is so refreshing. I need that in my life.

But don’t get me wrong, it’s not easy and I am still struggling with the idea that my marriage is basically over.

 

 

Swinging – It’s a New Year and a New Day

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January 2017

Have you ever woken up feeling like you are the luckiest person around? Well, I kind of feel that way sometimes.

After all, not many people are lucky enough to have a husband who loves them enough to allow them to be with other men because he can’t. I know it sounds rather unorthodox and that some people will think that I should love him enough to not do it. Well, I understand where you are coming from. I felt that way for 11 years.  But then one day, I woke up and decided that my needs where stronger than what I could control. So, let me explain a bit what I mean by that.

You see, when I turned 50 almost 2 years ago now, I decided to focus on myself. I began to exercise and eat healthy and I wanted to feel good about me. I knew if I did that, I would have a better outlook on life in general. Prior to that, I always lived with what I call a low-grade depression. I was never really totally sad, but I was never really happy either. Being a trained counsellor, I knew that what I needed was to exercise and eat right. I just never did it because my life was always focused on taking care of everyone else.

But when my 50th came along in February 2015, I decided I was tired of living that way. I took matters into my own hands and subsequently lost 43 lbs in 6 months and have kept it off by staying on track. But, what happened to me during that time was incredible.

It was like I came out of a cocoon. My self-esteem grew stronger, my sense of self was more powerful than ever and my libido woke up. And considering I rarely had sex in 11 years, and was somewhat ok with that, it was kind of scary. Mostly because I knew my husband had very little ability to have sex which translated into no interest either. That scared me because I had needs and desires and I couldn’t control them.

So, for a while, he tried to fulfill me. But, it was kind of horrible. Picture yourself begging your partner to have sex with you, and they finally agree, reluctantly. While you are having sex, you can see the disinterest in your partner’s eyes. You can see them going through the motions and nothing more.  That’s not a good feeling at all. Nobody wants to feel like they are forcing their spouse or partner to have sex.

So, I made the decision to never ask him again. I decided that I had been humiliated enough and he made to feel dirty and ashamed because of it. That’s when I decided to buy myself my first vibrator and to see a psychologist to help me through my feelings.

I won’t go into the details of what was said during my session with the psychologist because I wrote about that previously, but suffice it to say that she made me realize that there were other options. But one thing for sure, my husband wasn’t happy about the vibrator. He seemed to think I was trying to replace him. To which I told him that a vibrator cannot replace human touch and affection.

So, after much discussion with my husband about the prospect of having sex with others, he reluctantly agreed. He didn’t like the idea but came to understand that it was what I needed.  He loved me enough to provide me with what I needed to feel satisfied.

Fast forward to November 2015, I joined a swingers website. It was all so new to me. I had never experienced that type of openness and sexual honesty ever. It’s really liberating to be able to talk to others about your fantasies, your sexual likes and dislikes and know that you won’t be judged.

I corresponded with one man from the site  for a month or so before we finally met. It didn’t work out but it was a learning experience. Then, in February 2016, I met 2 men – Tariq and Matt. Both within days apart. The first one I said no to Tariq because he wasn’t my type, but ended up reversing my decision  and met another man that I was very happy to – see blog post “Let’s continue the Story”.  But less than a week later I met Matt. I knew instantly he was the guy I wanted to be with. Tall, handsome and kind. We hit it off immediately.  Eleven months later, I am still with them both.

Then just recently, I met the Artist (see blog – The Artist and the Model). Have you ever met someone that you are drawn to immediately? Someone you feel like you have known all your life? Well, that’s what it felt like when I met Gary. I felt so at ease with him.

You see, for the longest time, I was seeking someone who could provide me with the affection and tenderness that I was not getting from my 2 guys or my husband for that matter.  Well I think he’s the guy that will provide that. I wasn’t looking for it and certainly didn’t think I would seek it from him when he first reached out to me. But it’s been so easy being with him. Almost like we’ve know each other a hundred years.  He’s in the swinging lifestyle too so it was easy to approach the subject of playing and being nude in front of him and posing for his art makes it easier because of that. He had mentioned to me when we first met that he would be open to play (have sex) if I was interested but I told him I wasn’t and he left it at that.  I quickly changed my mind once we started talking and he was sculpting me.  I asked him to play on the second visit. I couldn’t help myself. He turned me on so much.

I also have surprised myself in the sense that I have thought of nothing but him. Matt (my regular long-term guy) has not been at the forefront of my thoughts since meeting Gary. That is so new for me. Gary has captured my heart like no man has done in a long time. That also means I need to be careful to not let myself fall too deeply. After all, I am married.  And I’m really looking forward to see him again soon.

Looks like 2017 is heading into an interesting direction.

Swinging – Decisions, Decisions

I can have casual, consensual sex with men who I find interesting and attractive. If a relationship builds while at the club, then that’s fine, but I won’t be looking for it anymore.

Yesterday I came to the conclusion that I no longer wanted to meet men to establish a relationship to become a long-term playing partner. I realize that in the past, it was very important to me to know my partner and to know him well. The better we knew each other, the more at ease we would be when it came to having sex. It’s easier to ask for what you want and feel less judged if you want to explore something new.  But I realize now that I may have been chasing the impossible. I think I was looking for the type of relationship that I had with one of my other partners. The one that I split from three weeks ago. This type of relationship takes time and energy, neither aspects that I want to engage in at the moment. He and I were together for 9 months so I know that finding someone new to play with won’t happen overnight.

I know that no man can fulfill all my physical and emotional needs and desires while also being my sexual partner. First of all, being married precludes me from having a real relationship where that can happen, and what I mean by  that is all the perks, bells and whistle that come along when you are seeking to build a life with a new partner.  In the swingers world, that can’t happen between sexual partners. When it does, it usually leads to divorce. This divorce was likely to happen even without playing with others outside of the marriage. So, that’s not usually the cause, but just a symptom.  This is why I am very pro-polyamory (having more than one  loving relationship at the same time, with the full knowledge and consent all involved).  If our society was more accepting of it, I would certainly find myself in that situation. I know I have the capacity to love more than one man at a time. Besides, I truly don’t think one person can fulfill all your needs, emotional or physical and nor should they have to.

Despite some of the pitfalls, I think I have the best of both worlds. I have a stable marriage with my husband, a wonderful play partner that I enjoy  my morning coffee with every day, and great sex with at least once a month. So, you see, the sex might not be often, but the friendship and closeness we have after 9 months is fantastic. You could say I’m a very lucky woman. No, we don’t tell each other we love each other or pledge our undying love, but we have a different kind of closeness. It’s “No Ordinary Love” as he once pointed out to me. We can’t allow ourselves to cross those boundaries. If we did, then both our marriages could be in trouble. I use to long for him to fulfill my emotional needs but I realize that would be a mistake. Although, I have been asked the question by a couple of friends if I would leave my husband for him. There are days that I would in a heartbeat. But there are also days where I think to myself that he cheats on his wife. Why would I want to put myself through that. Then I think that I would be happy to have sex with him at least once a week, more if we had the time so he would have no need to go elsewhere. It’s sort of like a cat chasing it’s tail. I spin the same way on the issue. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to leave my husband, it’s just on those days that I’m annoyed and angry at him. After 25 years together, they are certainly bound to happen. Even after a couple of months together that can happen. Doesn’t mean you ruin a good thing when the chips are down.

The major decision that I came to today was that I would no longer look for a long-term partner but instead go the to local swinger parties  and clubs around town and find myself a little fun there. As you can imagine, sex once a month with my partner isn’t enough, so having a bit of fun at the club is what I need to do to fulfill my sexual needs. No worries of building long-term relationships for the time being. I can have casual, consensual sex with men who I find interesting and attractive.  If a relationship builds while at the club, then that’s fine, but I won’t be looking for it anymore. I will be content to be with my husband and my sexual partner and enjoy the perks of playing with whomever I desire, in a clean and safe environment.

Swinging is great!

Swinging – Romance and Lasting Love

Being together was so effortless. It really was romantic and enjoyable. I loved that day with him and he did too. That day will forever be ingrained in my mind.

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As a swinger, romance and lasting love is never the goal. Ultimately, what you are looking for is to find another couple to play with, preferably with your spouse. You either do a full swap or a soft swap, same room or different room or any combination thereof. In my case, because my spouse doesn’t participate in this lifestyle, I’m considered to be in an open marriage more than a swinger. The term swinger is primarily used for couples.

But regardless of the label that is given me, the guys that I play with are often times married. So, that doesn’t lend well to obtaining the type of emotional and physical intimacy that I require. For instance, I miss being romanced with candle lit dinners, dancing the night away, kissing, touching affectionately and caressing. It all just seems to fit for my personality.  But, this lifestyle doesn’t normally provide that and it’s not meant to. That type of connection is supposed to be found at home amongst couples.

Don’t get me wrong, I love all the wild monkey sex too, but for me, all the romance and caressing would be nice to come before and after sex.  It creates a lasting bond in my mind. Where a man and a woman can share in the intimacy of their lives by touching, talking, kissing, even before they remove their clothing. Luckily enough, there are those moments that both partners come together and it’s there. That connection you long for, although not entirely perfect, but perfect enough.

One of my favourite play dates with my partner during these past 9 months was a day we spent at the hotel. We went for breakfast together at a diner we both loved, then off to the hotel we went. We played for about 3 hours, having a wonderful time then decided to stop for lunch. I brought food for us from home and we ate in the hotel room.  While eating and drinking a good bottle of wine, we went through the music on his playlist and talked about the songs that we both love. I learned about his favourite band growing up and he introduced me to a new album but particularly a beautiful song and to this day, it feel like it’s our song. That song in case you are wondering is “No Ordinary Love” by Dallas Green and Pink. Is that his way of telling me how much he cares for me? I’m not sure but I would like to think so. It’s simply a beautiful song and speaks to us both. Being together was so effortless. It really was romantic and enjoyable. I loved that day with him and he did too. That day will forever be ingrained in my mind.

I miss having those days with my husband. The days were we would spend all day in bed talking about whatever subject that was brought to mind. Although, this summer, we rented a cottage for the week and opened up like never before. It was simply wonderful to have that solitude together. No distractions from phone calls and very spotty wifi that we could only get down by the water so we really had to keep ourselves entertained. We talked a lot that week and in the evenings, we played cards. One afternoon during our walk, I took the opportunity to tell him about my feelings and everything that I was experiencing with my guys. It was an intimate conversation, but done in a light easy way. That was a really great day for us as a couple. We cemented our bond once again and it was simply beautiful.

Swinging – One Year Later

Because of the resentment I am now feeling, I have found myself looking elsewhere for a man that can meet my needs, not only in the bedroom but in other areas of my life. I have started to look at single profiles. I wonder quite often what it would be like to be with a man who finds me sexually desirable and could fulfill my emotional and physical needs.

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So, it’s been a year now since I’ve embarked on this new lifestyle. For the most part, it’s been a great experience. I’ve met some really wonderful people and have had a lot of fun with them – in and out of the bedroom; particularly with my two long-term partners. I’ve met couples in the lifestyle who are enjoying themselves to the fullest, playing together with other partners or apart and maintaining a very strong marriage.

However, one observation I recently made about my own situation is that I am feeling resentful towards my husband. Yes, I enjoy meeting new people and having great sex with them, but I also resent the fact that I must leave my home in order to do that. I wish that my husband would make more of an effort to have sex with me and on those rare occasions that we do, that he at least try to satisfy my needs. He seems to think that he is doing me a favour when we make love, but that feels so hollow. He has no idea how to satisfy me, makes no effort in his lovemaking and expects me to finish myself off with a toy or two because he doesn’t want to do it for me. It’s not only frustrating, but it saddens me to think that he is so selfish and unwilling to at least meet me half way. If he did, I would probably stop what I am doing, or at least reduce the amount that I am playing with others and just be with one of my partners. But, he doesn’t seem to understand or care. After 22 years of marriage and being together for 25 years I think that is quite a sad statement and difficult for me to admit.

For those who have been reading my blog from the beginning, know that the reason I got into this is because my husband had a stroke 11 years ago and lost the ability to have an erection. He disliked taking the erectile dysfunction pills (such as Cialis or Viagra) that the doctor prescribed and therefore we basically had a sexless marriage for all those years. For the most part, he was ok with it and so was I to a point. But then, one day, I decided I could no longer live like that. I had spent my 40s living like a married nun and I had had enough. I needed human touch and physical affection.

Eventually, at the suggestion of a psychologist, I sought out this lifestyle. Actually, the psychologist suggested I go out to a bar and pick some random guy up and get fucked. But, that’s not who I am. I didn’t want to cheat on my husband. He didn’t deserve that and I couldn’t live with myself if I had done that to him. So, I took what she said and decided to talk openly and honestly with my husband about my needs and we agreed to come to terms with us having an open relationship where I am allowed to explore my needs and desires without him. He is welcomed to meet or join me with any of my partners, but he has not desire or interest in doing that. Despite my efforts to talk to my husband about how I feel, he still seems to think that he is doing me a favour by allowing me to play with other men or couples. Recently, I reminded him that I am doing it because I have no choice. I probably wouldn’t be doing it if I didn’t need to. Now, here I am, a year later.

Because of the resentment I am now feeling, I have found myself looking elsewhere for a man that can meet my needs, not only in the bedroom but in other areas of my life. I have started to look at single profiles. I wonder quite often what it would be like to be with a man who finds me sexually desirable and could fulfill my emotional and physical needs.

I often feel hollow inside and full of regret knowing that I love my husband but he’s just not enough for me anymore.

Where do I go from here? Well, that’s a good question.

 

Parting Ways and New Beginnings

It probably won’t be easy but there’s always hope that I find someone interesting enough that in those in-between moments, we enjoy each other’s company and develop a great friendship along the way, just like I had with my partner and friend Tariq. That’s really the best part of this lifestyle.

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Life as a swinger can be a very positive experience. We meet wonderful and interesting people, but also some not so interesting average folks. But that’s ok. It just goes to remind us that we are all normal people, living a normal life.

However, there are people that come into our lives that become special to us. These are people that teach us lessons about ourselves and about others around us. One of these people came into my life 9 months ago and gone out of my life just recently and I am finding myself missing him a lot. It’s not that he was the most handsome guy around, nor was he the most eloquent person I’ve met, but he was special to me and he made me feel special. And that kind of feeling doesn’t happen very much in this lifestyle.

This person I am talking about is one of my two partners. This weekend, we made the decision to part ways. It was really over a silly misunderstanding, but now it seems very difficult to move past it. I tried reconciling with him, explaining that I needed more time to myself and that my work was suffering because he and I were chatting basically all day long via Skype. He viewed my snub as making a decision that he was no longer important to me. It wasn’t the case at all. Now though, I have a huge hole in my heart and I miss him.

Tariq was the type of guy who would tell me he thought I was beautiful in the middle of having car sex. He would look down at me, smile this big beautiful smile of his, kiss me and tell me what most women long to hear, and that was that I was beautiful. It didn’t seem to matter to him that my hair was a mess, I was sweating from riding him in a hot sweaty car or that I was flush from the last two orgasms he gave me. He just knew how to make me feel good about myself and about us.

Now that he has gone from my life, maybe forever or maybe just temporarily, I wonder how I will fill that void. I have a profound sense of loss and I will miss my friend terribly. He was special to me and I wish him nothing but the best.   Neither my husband nor my other partner are the type of men to exclaim such emotions in the middle of sex or any other time. I am sad and I miss my friend. As I said before, life of a swinger has its ups and downs. He was certainly a positive aspect in my life and now that he is gone, his departure is certainly a negative one.

This lifestyle isn’t meant to develop the type of relationships are that is meant to last forever after, not unless you are in the lifestyle with your spouse. So, with that being said, I will continue enjoying myself, playing with interesting men, some might be just a one-time play partner and others more often. But who knows; maybe I will be lucky enough to find another special man to come into my life and eventually become long-term partners. Finding someone who can touch my body and make me feel as good as I hope I make him feel.  It probably won’t be easy but there’s always hope that I find someone interesting enough that in those in-between moments, we enjoy each other’s company and develop a great friendship along the way, just like I had with my partner and friend Tariq. That’s really the best part of this lifestyle.