Sex on the Brain

Gary really thinks he won the lottery by being with me. In a lot of ways, I feel the same but I have a sense of emptiness sometimes

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I’ve been spending a lot of my weekends with Gary lately. I went yesterday afternoon to spend time with him because he had an art show and I wanted to be there to support him. He’s a wonderfully talented artist. But I noticed during our conversations that a lot of what we have in common is sex. Our conversations tend to revolve around sex all the time. Now that I’ve started to notice it and it really has me questioning how much we have in common. Don’t get me wrong, sex is a great subject but does every conversation have to end up as a sexual innuendo or a discussion of what he wants to do sexually with me the next time?  He loves the fact that I am very sexual but it also stresses me out in the sense that if I ever decide I need to step away from playing so much, how will he feel? He loves that I love to play in threesomes, but I think that eventually, I will want to just be with a single partner in a loving relationship.  I don’t know if I will want to stay in this lifestyle, at least not to the point I am playing now. ​ Gary is a great lover and satisfies me completely. I do enjoy others but nobody can do it the way he does for me. Not even Matt and I’ve been with Matt for over a year.  These sex conversations are something that have been on my mind a lot today. I mentioned it briefly to him but I’m not convinced that will change anything.  I do love being with him, but do I want to spend the rest of my life with him? I have yet to know the answer to that.

You see,  Gary really thinks he won the lottery by being with me. In a lot of ways, I feel the same but I have a sense of emptiness sometimes.   I want to feel whole and joyful but I don’t.  Perhaps it’s because I am uneasy with my son knowing that I play with other men and that I was out last night at a man’s place. He doesn’t know who’s place but he knows I was out.  Perhaps if my son didn’t know, maybe I would feel fine today. I don’t know. Maybe I feel dirty and I don’t like this feeling. When my son didn’t know about what I was doing, I didn’t have this issue so much, but now that he does, hiding it is much harder.

There’s also the fact that Gary told me that he would be going to Toronto with a female friend (V) of his that he played with before. She likes to go to a swing club out there and always asks that he take her because she doesn’t like to go alone. It kind of annoys me that I will miss out on a Saturday night with him because of her. The worst part is, I know she wants to be more to him than a friend but he doesn’t see it. I remind him that every time he does something like this with her, it sends her the wrong signals. She probably thinks that he will eventually leave me and go with her. He tells me he’s not interested in her. She’s a big woman and although that doesn’t bother him, I still think he likes the fact that she wants him and it makes me crazy.  I’ve never had to share any of my partners with other women. They always only had me as a partner. Now, with Gary, he has his V and a couple that he plays with. I don’t mind the couple, but him playing with V who is a single woman that make me crazy, I simply want to scream!

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I DID IT!

 

Well, I finally did it. Two major life events happened to me this past weekend; one great and the other, not so great.sadness-girl-umbrella-winter-sea-bridge-hd-wallpaper

First the great one!

My partner and I went to a swing party at a private home this past Saturday night. The theme for the evening was Playboy Bunny in honour of Easter being next weekend.  There were sexy bunnies all over the house and one Hugh Hefner. It was great!  But the best part of it all was that I had my first MMMF and it wasn’t even intentional. lol

I was playing with my partner Gary on the mattress having our own fun, then we decided to invite Mike to play, a guy that I’ve known since last summer but never played with.  We played the three of us together for 30 minutes. Gary, being very visual,  said I was watched non-stop by others who were standing around. While riding Mike at one point, there were no less than 10 people watching. It was a thrill.  Then, while the three of us were playing, a guy who’s wife was playing beside us came over and started touching me. Gary asked me if I wanted him to stop but I said no, I was fine with it. It’s unusual for someone to touch without asking first but in this case, I didn’t mind too much. I saw who it was and knew that his wife was beside me so I felt safe knowing he wasn’t going to do anything too weird.  It was all pretty incredible. I have never had 3 pairs of hands touching and caressing me at once while I had a penis in my mouth, and one in my pussy. Wow, is all I can say about that.

Even while wearing my bunny outfit, Gary would walk behind me and watch all the men and women turn their heads and follow my every move. hehehe  I guess I looked kinda cute and sexy. It was incredible.

The “not so great” part of the weekend was that I had to tell my husband that we are officially separating. You might be asking yourself – Is Swinging to blame for it? I don’t know. But what I do know is that now, I feel better about things, so let me tell you why.

For those of you that have been following my blog since the beginning, you know that I started into the Swinging Lifestyle because my husband hasn’t been able to have an erection since his stroke even with the little blue pill and therefore, sex no longer was a part of our lives. He eventually became able to but simply lost interest and no longer wanted to try.  It was hurtful.  I’m sure many of you out there are saying there is more than one way to have sex, and yes, I totally agree with you. But, my husband had no interest in giving me pleasure orally or with his fingers. As a matter of fact, he was insulted that after 10 years with no sex, I bought a vibrator. Can you imagine!  I needed affection, I needed to be touched and let’s face it, I needed sex. But he was unable and unwilling to give me any. So, after much thought and a visit to a psychologist, I decided to explore the swing world. I was terrified but I knew I needed something. I could no longer live without the touch of a man or the sensation of a penis inside of me. So, you tell me, was our break-up inevitable? I think so. Nobody can live like this forever. Even my mother, a former nun in the Catholic Church, told me recently that I needed to find a man and have sex with him, even if I am still married. She say’s men do it all the time so why shouldn’t I. She is very supportive of my separation and thinks it’s about time if this is what my life has been like. I never told her about his inability to have an erection until now. She obviously doesn’t know about my lifestyle but she understands that sex is important and clearly wants me to start living again.

So, after a few hiccups over a year ago, I found 2 amazing men and spent a year having sex with them and a few others on the occasion in between. Now, I am still with one of these men – Matt, and a new man, my artist Gary for the past 4 months along with a few others for good measure. Gary loves to watch me have sex with other men (being very visual) before joining in on the fun. I love it too. Threesomes are the best.  But as I mentioned in the past, I have fallen in love with him and now I want to explore where things can go relationship wise.

Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t leave my husband solely because of Gary, but I guess he was a part of it. You see, my husband is a chronically depressed person. He is negative and not always pleasant to be around. He also takes me for granted more than he should. Gary, despite losing his wife to diabetes five years ago, a woman he was married to for 25 years, he still find it easy to laugh and enjoy life to the fullest. It is so refreshing. I need that in my life.

But don’t get me wrong, it’s not easy and I am still struggling with the idea that my marriage is basically over.

 

 

Swinging – One Year Later

Because of the resentment I am now feeling, I have found myself looking elsewhere for a man that can meet my needs, not only in the bedroom but in other areas of my life. I have started to look at single profiles. I wonder quite often what it would be like to be with a man who finds me sexually desirable and could fulfill my emotional and physical needs.

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So, it’s been a year now since I’ve embarked on this new lifestyle. For the most part, it’s been a great experience. I’ve met some really wonderful people and have had a lot of fun with them – in and out of the bedroom; particularly with my two long-term partners. I’ve met couples in the lifestyle who are enjoying themselves to the fullest, playing together with other partners or apart and maintaining a very strong marriage.

However, one observation I recently made about my own situation is that I am feeling resentful towards my husband. Yes, I enjoy meeting new people and having great sex with them, but I also resent the fact that I must leave my home in order to do that. I wish that my husband would make more of an effort to have sex with me and on those rare occasions that we do, that he at least try to satisfy my needs. He seems to think that he is doing me a favour when we make love, but that feels so hollow. He has no idea how to satisfy me, makes no effort in his lovemaking and expects me to finish myself off with a toy or two because he doesn’t want to do it for me. It’s not only frustrating, but it saddens me to think that he is so selfish and unwilling to at least meet me half way. If he did, I would probably stop what I am doing, or at least reduce the amount that I am playing with others and just be with one of my partners. But, he doesn’t seem to understand or care. After 22 years of marriage and being together for 25 years I think that is quite a sad statement and difficult for me to admit.

For those who have been reading my blog from the beginning, know that the reason I got into this is because my husband had a stroke 11 years ago and lost the ability to have an erection. He disliked taking the erectile dysfunction pills (such as Cialis or Viagra) that the doctor prescribed and therefore we basically had a sexless marriage for all those years. For the most part, he was ok with it and so was I to a point. But then, one day, I decided I could no longer live like that. I had spent my 40s living like a married nun and I had had enough. I needed human touch and physical affection.

Eventually, at the suggestion of a psychologist, I sought out this lifestyle. Actually, the psychologist suggested I go out to a bar and pick some random guy up and get fucked. But, that’s not who I am. I didn’t want to cheat on my husband. He didn’t deserve that and I couldn’t live with myself if I had done that to him. So, I took what she said and decided to talk openly and honestly with my husband about my needs and we agreed to come to terms with us having an open relationship where I am allowed to explore my needs and desires without him. He is welcomed to meet or join me with any of my partners, but he has not desire or interest in doing that. Despite my efforts to talk to my husband about how I feel, he still seems to think that he is doing me a favour by allowing me to play with other men or couples. Recently, I reminded him that I am doing it because I have no choice. I probably wouldn’t be doing it if I didn’t need to. Now, here I am, a year later.

Because of the resentment I am now feeling, I have found myself looking elsewhere for a man that can meet my needs, not only in the bedroom but in other areas of my life. I have started to look at single profiles. I wonder quite often what it would be like to be with a man who finds me sexually desirable and could fulfill my emotional and physical needs.

I often feel hollow inside and full of regret knowing that I love my husband but he’s just not enough for me anymore.

Where do I go from here? Well, that’s a good question.

 

Parting Ways and New Beginnings

It probably won’t be easy but there’s always hope that I find someone interesting enough that in those in-between moments, we enjoy each other’s company and develop a great friendship along the way, just like I had with my partner and friend Tariq. That’s really the best part of this lifestyle.

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Life as a swinger can be a very positive experience. We meet wonderful and interesting people, but also some not so interesting average folks. But that’s ok. It just goes to remind us that we are all normal people, living a normal life.

However, there are people that come into our lives that become special to us. These are people that teach us lessons about ourselves and about others around us. One of these people came into my life 9 months ago and gone out of my life just recently and I am finding myself missing him a lot. It’s not that he was the most handsome guy around, nor was he the most eloquent person I’ve met, but he was special to me and he made me feel special. And that kind of feeling doesn’t happen very much in this lifestyle.

This person I am talking about is one of my two partners. This weekend, we made the decision to part ways. It was really over a silly misunderstanding, but now it seems very difficult to move past it. I tried reconciling with him, explaining that I needed more time to myself and that my work was suffering because he and I were chatting basically all day long via Skype. He viewed my snub as making a decision that he was no longer important to me. It wasn’t the case at all. Now though, I have a huge hole in my heart and I miss him.

Tariq was the type of guy who would tell me he thought I was beautiful in the middle of having car sex. He would look down at me, smile this big beautiful smile of his, kiss me and tell me what most women long to hear, and that was that I was beautiful. It didn’t seem to matter to him that my hair was a mess, I was sweating from riding him in a hot sweaty car or that I was flush from the last two orgasms he gave me. He just knew how to make me feel good about myself and about us.

Now that he has gone from my life, maybe forever or maybe just temporarily, I wonder how I will fill that void. I have a profound sense of loss and I will miss my friend terribly. He was special to me and I wish him nothing but the best.   Neither my husband nor my other partner are the type of men to exclaim such emotions in the middle of sex or any other time. I am sad and I miss my friend. As I said before, life of a swinger has its ups and downs. He was certainly a positive aspect in my life and now that he is gone, his departure is certainly a negative one.

This lifestyle isn’t meant to develop the type of relationships are that is meant to last forever after, not unless you are in the lifestyle with your spouse. So, with that being said, I will continue enjoying myself, playing with interesting men, some might be just a one-time play partner and others more often. But who knows; maybe I will be lucky enough to find another special man to come into my life and eventually become long-term partners. Finding someone who can touch my body and make me feel as good as I hope I make him feel.  It probably won’t be easy but there’s always hope that I find someone interesting enough that in those in-between moments, we enjoy each other’s company and develop a great friendship along the way, just like I had with my partner and friend Tariq. That’s really the best part of this lifestyle.

Swinging – Let’s continue the story

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Fast forward to February 2016

My husband went away for the weekend to visit our son who was living temporarily in another city 4 hours away. Steve, the guy who lasted less than 10 seconds the first time we got together to have sex in his truck and I thought it would be a great opportunity for us to get together to have sex in a bed. We had only been together the one time in the truck and knew that this weekend presented itself as the perfect chance. We spoke about it for a couple of weeks to make sure we were both on the same page regarding his arrival, what we will do, what I needed to buy, etc.

Saturday morning finally came. I spoke with him by Skype and he decided that he would be there sometime around 4pm.  I was very excited. I had bought all the groceries I needed to make us a nice supper to set the right ambiance. I was going to be cooking for him and wanted it to go well. From there, our plan was to spend the rest of the evening playing in bed. He was going to stay over and leave Sunday after lunch. That gave us a lot of play time and I was really looking forward to it.

I prepared the supper early so that when he arrived, I would be able to focus my attention on him. I was in a great mood. I was excited. I felt like a high school girl with a crush. It was a great feeling. I was going to finally have sex.

Finally, at 4pm, I started to get a bit nervous. I was worried that he wouldn’t have fun, he wouldn’t like what I cooked, I was dressed wrong, etc. All the usual feelings of nervousness on your first real “date”. By 5pm, I was worried that something had happened because he still hadn’t arrived. I was worried because I couldn’t reach him. But then, by 6pm, he finally messaged me and told me he wasn’t coming over. He had a change of heart and decided that I was toxic for him. That every time we planned to get together, he would get a migraine. He thought that it was my fault that he was getting sick. Truth be known, I think it was his fear of failure again. The fact that he wasn’t able to perform the first time, he was probably fearful it would happen again.

I can’t tell you how disappointed I was. I was just floored. I had not had decent sex in forever and I was just beside myself. While I was crying, I received a Skype message from a man by the name of Tariq that I had met just a few days prior. I had told him what had happened and that I was going to go to the Swing club and meet someone so that I can finally have sex.

Tariq was a man I met for coffee to see if we were compatible to play together. I had decided against it because he looked so nervous. In my mind, I needed someone who was sure of himself because I was nervous enough for us both. So, while we skyped, he had asked me to wait before going to the club because he wanted to come and see me. He wanted to talk about this idea of me going to the club because he was genuinely concerned for my wellbeing and would live to regret my move.

Tariq arrived an hour later. He wasn’t the classic guy that I would normally go for. He was tall, but thin and attractive enough but not someone I would look at twice. But at the moment he walked into the house, he looked at me with such compassion and care, that I grabbed him, kissed him and began undressing him in my hallway. I then dragged him to my marital bedroom and started to strip him naked. He was doing the same to me and by the time we were both undressed, we were breathing hard and ready for each other. Luckily I had condoms and lube. I had prepared for Steve’s arrival.

Within 15 minutes of Tariq walking into my home, we were in bed having wild and wonderful sex.  At that moment, I realized that I hadn’t felt that good in what felt like my entire life. I experienced my first orgasm in almost 15 years. It was incredible. He was gentle when I needed him to be, but in control when I wanted that. He also knew exactly how to make me orgasm.

To this day, he and I are still having great sex. We have an incredible sexual compatibility. The most orgasms I’ve ever experienced are with him and that was a total of 7 in a span of 4 hours. He knows how to turn me on. He knows what I like and how I like it.

But, I think that story will have to be told another time. Stay tuned.

Today, it hurts

crying-eye-1024x683Although this doesn’t follow the sequence of events that brought me to where  I am now in my life, I thought I would interject with a little bit of information on the pitfalls of the swing lifestyle. At least in my case.

So, I’ve been with the same two guys I met in February 2016. I have been with each of them for the past 8 months now. No, not together, but with each of them separately. We have only been together in a threesome situation once, and let me tell you, it was the best sex of my entire life. I even questioned myself and them, jokingly, if I would ever want to go back to being with just one man at a time after that. It was that great and I highly recommend it to anyone who has two partners they trust and enjoy.  At that point, we had been playing together for the past 7 months and understood what each other enjoyed the most and what their preferences and expertise were. For instance, one of my guys loves giving oral and is very very good at it. While the other loves to suck on my nipples. That act alone could almost bring me to orgasm. So, you see, if we had not played together for these past few months, we never would have know that about each other.

Now, for the issue:   I think because I have been with them as long as I have, they have started to take advantage of my good nature and accommodating style.  Let me give you an example of what I mean.

Last week, I had the house to myself for the first time in quite a few months. I was excited to be able to take new pictures of myself in lingerie and nudes and to experiment with lighting. I like taking pictures of myself. It makes me feel sexy and beautiful. Also, it was an opportunity to post new pictures on the swingers website I am on.  So, in the morning, once I completed my chores, I went to meet one of my partners (let’s call him Matt) for lunch. We had a great time, chatting away about everything. He and I tend to have coffee more often than sex. We really enjoy each others company, even outside of the bedroom. He wanted to meet me to tell me that he was going to try to attend the Halloween party at the swing club I go to. So, it was a pleasant surprise because I’ve wanted to spend time at the club with him in the past but he was never able to due to fear of being recognized plus the fact that he is married and his wife is unaware that he is cheating.

After lunch, once I returned home, the house was empty. So, I quickly changed into my lingerie and started taking pictures.  I was having fun and feeling good about myself. I was relaxed and enjoyed being home alone. But then, I remembered that my other partner, Tariq, wanted to come over.  I had asked him to wait until Thursday because we had a hotel room booked to spend the afternoon together and it was only Monday, no need to see each other twice that week. And, waiting until Thursday would allow the excitement and sexual tension to build up. But, he didn’t want that. He wanted to come over in that afternoon.  Despite my better judgement and what I really wanted, I told him he could come. I convinced myself that after all, it doesn’t happen often that I can have my guys over at the house; I didn’t really want to pass up the opportunity so I reluctantly said yes.

Two o’clock came, my partner showed up and I felt slightly annoyed. I had been having such a good time on my own, and it all had to come to a stop because he was there.  I realize that I could have put my foot down and told him no, he couldn’t come over. But, me being as accommodating as I am, reluctantly said yes. I had told him I preferred not to get together, but he didn’t want to hear that.

Now, for my partner, Matt. Matt is tall (6’4”), handsome and in my eyes, a very attractive man. He could be a model for GQ if you ask me.  When I met him, I knew immediately that I wanted to be with him. I was blown away by his presence and his gentle nature. The best part about him, is he doesn’t know how attractive he is. He’s always surprised when I tell him. So, now you are asking yourself why there is a problem, I’m sure.  Well, you see, the problem is, I have developed feelings for this man. Strong feelings. Feelings that someone in my situation has no business having. I have to be careful when I express to him what I am feeling because I worry that he will go run to the hills. He told me once that a woman asked him to leave his wife for her. He broke it up with her immediately. He too is married and has been so for 20 years. So, that sent a strong signal to me to keep my feelings to myself. But, me being me, I have not been able to. I told him that I care for him deeply although I have no expectations of either of us changing our marital status.  Him, being the way he is, which is basically someone who is unable to express his emotions, told me that he cherishes me and the time we spend together. So, you ask, where’s the problem? The problem is, he doesn’t pay enough attention to me. I want him to acknowledge me in a more concrete way. I want him to send me a message to say hello and ask how my day is going. I don’t need a grand pronouncement that he will love me forever. I just need him to message me during the day just to say hi and know that he is thinking of me. Is that too much to ask for? I wonder.

Even in this lifestyle, people do let their emotions get in the way of sex.  We can’t help it. We are human beings and we live by our emotions. Women particularly are vulnerable to the emotional aspect of being with a partner, especially when having a long-term relationship with someone. It’s bound to happen. Guys tend to be better at compartmentalizing their feelings.

Sometimes it feels good, sometimes it hurts. Today, it hurts.  Today I feel lonely, despite all the attention I receive from a variety of men. But like my partner Tariq said to me, attention is different than intimacy. Sex is great when one is engaged but once the activity ends, no matter how good the sex is, it’s not going to take away the loneliness.