Priorities

I guess with so many changes happening in my life and nobody to talk to about them, this will have to be my outlet. It’s not that I don’t have friends, it’s just that I am someone who is an open book with the right person in my life. Up until now, that’s been my husband. I am very open with Gary but he has very little time to sit and chat and  let’s face it, sometimes what I need to do is to complain about is him!

As I mentioned in the past, Gary is an artist and does renovations on the side. He also works full-time at a desk at the moment. So, he has a full schedule. Once he gets home from his 9-5 job, he changes and heads out to do renovations. He needs the extra cash to pay off some debt he accumulated when he was being frivolous with his money and from when he was injured and couldn’t work.

When he’s not working his day job or doing renovations, he loves to focus on his art. I love the fact that he is an artist. He’s a very good one too. I’ve posted some of his paintings here on my blog. But more and more I find he is finding less and less time to spend with me. I know he has bills to pay and I know he has art to create so he can show and sell pieces. But, will there be a time that he puts me as a priority? I wonder.

The reason I ask myself this question is that he has been promising me for weeks now that he will be spending the whole long weekend with me at my house. My son is moving out and my husband is going to visit his sister. So, great, I finally get to spend a weekend at home, something I haven’t had the chance to do in 6 months or so. But, now he has to prepare for his sculpting exhibit coming up in October and because he hasn’t been home in the evenings to work on his sculptures, he has decided that next weekend is when he will be doing it. Understandable because he needs to provide the art show with pictures of his finished art work. So, again, I am left in 2nd place on his priority list. I suggested today that he bring his sculpture here to work on so we can spend time at my place but I seriously doubt he will even view that as an option.

We are also supposed to go to a swing party next Saturday but I will tell him that we can cancel it. I’m sure he will be relieved. We can always go the following weekend. The theme is Back to School so I will get to wear my sexy school girl uniform. I’ll tell you how it goes if we end up going. It’s usually a good time.

I will try to keep the drama and anxiety to a minimum and get back to focusing on my swinging experiences for now on. I just sometimes need to vent and put my thoughts on paper to remove some of the clutter going on in my mind. Perhaps I’m just expecting too much from a new relationship. In my humble opinion, I always thought that relationships take work and both partners need to be present. That requires being together whenever possible. I guess I’m not use to this lifestyle. My husband doesn’t have hobbies or work long hours so he is always home. I suppose I like that about our relationship. I like having the people I love to be around. When they aren’t around, I get lonely and start to think the worst.  All the arguments and discussions we have come back to haunt me. Like him talking about his former girlfriend again. I’m not sure why he needs to keep bringing her up. I suggested today that he should go back to her because he brings her up daily in one way or another so he must miss her. It’s irritating especially knowing she didn’t treat him very well. Maybe I need to do the same so that he pays more attention to me. I feel sometimes that he doesn’t have room for me in his life and if I hadn’t gotten him a job with me, I would rarely see him.

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Swinging – Decisions, Decisions

I can have casual, consensual sex with men who I find interesting and attractive. If a relationship builds while at the club, then that’s fine, but I won’t be looking for it anymore.

Yesterday I came to the conclusion that I no longer wanted to meet men to establish a relationship to become a long-term playing partner. I realize that in the past, it was very important to me to know my partner and to know him well. The better we knew each other, the more at ease we would be when it came to having sex. It’s easier to ask for what you want and feel less judged if you want to explore something new.  But I realize now that I may have been chasing the impossible. I think I was looking for the type of relationship that I had with one of my other partners. The one that I split from three weeks ago. This type of relationship takes time and energy, neither aspects that I want to engage in at the moment. He and I were together for 9 months so I know that finding someone new to play with won’t happen overnight.

I know that no man can fulfill all my physical and emotional needs and desires while also being my sexual partner. First of all, being married precludes me from having a real relationship where that can happen, and what I mean by  that is all the perks, bells and whistle that come along when you are seeking to build a life with a new partner.  In the swingers world, that can’t happen between sexual partners. When it does, it usually leads to divorce. This divorce was likely to happen even without playing with others outside of the marriage. So, that’s not usually the cause, but just a symptom.  This is why I am very pro-polyamory (having more than one  loving relationship at the same time, with the full knowledge and consent all involved).  If our society was more accepting of it, I would certainly find myself in that situation. I know I have the capacity to love more than one man at a time. Besides, I truly don’t think one person can fulfill all your needs, emotional or physical and nor should they have to.

Despite some of the pitfalls, I think I have the best of both worlds. I have a stable marriage with my husband, a wonderful play partner that I enjoy  my morning coffee with every day, and great sex with at least once a month. So, you see, the sex might not be often, but the friendship and closeness we have after 9 months is fantastic. You could say I’m a very lucky woman. No, we don’t tell each other we love each other or pledge our undying love, but we have a different kind of closeness. It’s “No Ordinary Love” as he once pointed out to me. We can’t allow ourselves to cross those boundaries. If we did, then both our marriages could be in trouble. I use to long for him to fulfill my emotional needs but I realize that would be a mistake. Although, I have been asked the question by a couple of friends if I would leave my husband for him. There are days that I would in a heartbeat. But there are also days where I think to myself that he cheats on his wife. Why would I want to put myself through that. Then I think that I would be happy to have sex with him at least once a week, more if we had the time so he would have no need to go elsewhere. It’s sort of like a cat chasing it’s tail. I spin the same way on the issue. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to leave my husband, it’s just on those days that I’m annoyed and angry at him. After 25 years together, they are certainly bound to happen. Even after a couple of months together that can happen. Doesn’t mean you ruin a good thing when the chips are down.

The major decision that I came to today was that I would no longer look for a long-term partner but instead go the to local swinger parties  and clubs around town and find myself a little fun there. As you can imagine, sex once a month with my partner isn’t enough, so having a bit of fun at the club is what I need to do to fulfill my sexual needs. No worries of building long-term relationships for the time being. I can have casual, consensual sex with men who I find interesting and attractive.  If a relationship builds while at the club, then that’s fine, but I won’t be looking for it anymore. I will be content to be with my husband and my sexual partner and enjoy the perks of playing with whomever I desire, in a clean and safe environment.

Swinging is great!

Swinging – Romance and Lasting Love

Being together was so effortless. It really was romantic and enjoyable. I loved that day with him and he did too. That day will forever be ingrained in my mind.

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As a swinger, romance and lasting love is never the goal. Ultimately, what you are looking for is to find another couple to play with, preferably with your spouse. You either do a full swap or a soft swap, same room or different room or any combination thereof. In my case, because my spouse doesn’t participate in this lifestyle, I’m considered to be in an open marriage more than a swinger. The term swinger is primarily used for couples.

But regardless of the label that is given me, the guys that I play with are often times married. So, that doesn’t lend well to obtaining the type of emotional and physical intimacy that I require. For instance, I miss being romanced with candle lit dinners, dancing the night away, kissing, touching affectionately and caressing. It all just seems to fit for my personality.  But, this lifestyle doesn’t normally provide that and it’s not meant to. That type of connection is supposed to be found at home amongst couples.

Don’t get me wrong, I love all the wild monkey sex too, but for me, all the romance and caressing would be nice to come before and after sex.  It creates a lasting bond in my mind. Where a man and a woman can share in the intimacy of their lives by touching, talking, kissing, even before they remove their clothing. Luckily enough, there are those moments that both partners come together and it’s there. That connection you long for, although not entirely perfect, but perfect enough.

One of my favourite play dates with my partner during these past 9 months was a day we spent at the hotel. We went for breakfast together at a diner we both loved, then off to the hotel we went. We played for about 3 hours, having a wonderful time then decided to stop for lunch. I brought food for us from home and we ate in the hotel room.  While eating and drinking a good bottle of wine, we went through the music on his playlist and talked about the songs that we both love. I learned about his favourite band growing up and he introduced me to a new album but particularly a beautiful song and to this day, it feel like it’s our song. That song in case you are wondering is “No Ordinary Love” by Dallas Green and Pink. Is that his way of telling me how much he cares for me? I’m not sure but I would like to think so. It’s simply a beautiful song and speaks to us both. Being together was so effortless. It really was romantic and enjoyable. I loved that day with him and he did too. That day will forever be ingrained in my mind.

I miss having those days with my husband. The days were we would spend all day in bed talking about whatever subject that was brought to mind. Although, this summer, we rented a cottage for the week and opened up like never before. It was simply wonderful to have that solitude together. No distractions from phone calls and very spotty wifi that we could only get down by the water so we really had to keep ourselves entertained. We talked a lot that week and in the evenings, we played cards. One afternoon during our walk, I took the opportunity to tell him about my feelings and everything that I was experiencing with my guys. It was an intimate conversation, but done in a light easy way. That was a really great day for us as a couple. We cemented our bond once again and it was simply beautiful.

Swinging – One Year Later

Because of the resentment I am now feeling, I have found myself looking elsewhere for a man that can meet my needs, not only in the bedroom but in other areas of my life. I have started to look at single profiles. I wonder quite often what it would be like to be with a man who finds me sexually desirable and could fulfill my emotional and physical needs.

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So, it’s been a year now since I’ve embarked on this new lifestyle. For the most part, it’s been a great experience. I’ve met some really wonderful people and have had a lot of fun with them – in and out of the bedroom; particularly with my two long-term partners. I’ve met couples in the lifestyle who are enjoying themselves to the fullest, playing together with other partners or apart and maintaining a very strong marriage.

However, one observation I recently made about my own situation is that I am feeling resentful towards my husband. Yes, I enjoy meeting new people and having great sex with them, but I also resent the fact that I must leave my home in order to do that. I wish that my husband would make more of an effort to have sex with me and on those rare occasions that we do, that he at least try to satisfy my needs. He seems to think that he is doing me a favour when we make love, but that feels so hollow. He has no idea how to satisfy me, makes no effort in his lovemaking and expects me to finish myself off with a toy or two because he doesn’t want to do it for me. It’s not only frustrating, but it saddens me to think that he is so selfish and unwilling to at least meet me half way. If he did, I would probably stop what I am doing, or at least reduce the amount that I am playing with others and just be with one of my partners. But, he doesn’t seem to understand or care. After 22 years of marriage and being together for 25 years I think that is quite a sad statement and difficult for me to admit.

For those who have been reading my blog from the beginning, know that the reason I got into this is because my husband had a stroke 11 years ago and lost the ability to have an erection. He disliked taking the erectile dysfunction pills (such as Cialis or Viagra) that the doctor prescribed and therefore we basically had a sexless marriage for all those years. For the most part, he was ok with it and so was I to a point. But then, one day, I decided I could no longer live like that. I had spent my 40s living like a married nun and I had had enough. I needed human touch and physical affection.

Eventually, at the suggestion of a psychologist, I sought out this lifestyle. Actually, the psychologist suggested I go out to a bar and pick some random guy up and get fucked. But, that’s not who I am. I didn’t want to cheat on my husband. He didn’t deserve that and I couldn’t live with myself if I had done that to him. So, I took what she said and decided to talk openly and honestly with my husband about my needs and we agreed to come to terms with us having an open relationship where I am allowed to explore my needs and desires without him. He is welcomed to meet or join me with any of my partners, but he has not desire or interest in doing that. Despite my efforts to talk to my husband about how I feel, he still seems to think that he is doing me a favour by allowing me to play with other men or couples. Recently, I reminded him that I am doing it because I have no choice. I probably wouldn’t be doing it if I didn’t need to. Now, here I am, a year later.

Because of the resentment I am now feeling, I have found myself looking elsewhere for a man that can meet my needs, not only in the bedroom but in other areas of my life. I have started to look at single profiles. I wonder quite often what it would be like to be with a man who finds me sexually desirable and could fulfill my emotional and physical needs.

I often feel hollow inside and full of regret knowing that I love my husband but he’s just not enough for me anymore.

Where do I go from here? Well, that’s a good question.

 

Parting Ways and New Beginnings

It probably won’t be easy but there’s always hope that I find someone interesting enough that in those in-between moments, we enjoy each other’s company and develop a great friendship along the way, just like I had with my partner and friend Tariq. That’s really the best part of this lifestyle.

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Life as a swinger can be a very positive experience. We meet wonderful and interesting people, but also some not so interesting average folks. But that’s ok. It just goes to remind us that we are all normal people, living a normal life.

However, there are people that come into our lives that become special to us. These are people that teach us lessons about ourselves and about others around us. One of these people came into my life 9 months ago and gone out of my life just recently and I am finding myself missing him a lot. It’s not that he was the most handsome guy around, nor was he the most eloquent person I’ve met, but he was special to me and he made me feel special. And that kind of feeling doesn’t happen very much in this lifestyle.

This person I am talking about is one of my two partners. This weekend, we made the decision to part ways. It was really over a silly misunderstanding, but now it seems very difficult to move past it. I tried reconciling with him, explaining that I needed more time to myself and that my work was suffering because he and I were chatting basically all day long via Skype. He viewed my snub as making a decision that he was no longer important to me. It wasn’t the case at all. Now though, I have a huge hole in my heart and I miss him.

Tariq was the type of guy who would tell me he thought I was beautiful in the middle of having car sex. He would look down at me, smile this big beautiful smile of his, kiss me and tell me what most women long to hear, and that was that I was beautiful. It didn’t seem to matter to him that my hair was a mess, I was sweating from riding him in a hot sweaty car or that I was flush from the last two orgasms he gave me. He just knew how to make me feel good about myself and about us.

Now that he has gone from my life, maybe forever or maybe just temporarily, I wonder how I will fill that void. I have a profound sense of loss and I will miss my friend terribly. He was special to me and I wish him nothing but the best.   Neither my husband nor my other partner are the type of men to exclaim such emotions in the middle of sex or any other time. I am sad and I miss my friend. As I said before, life of a swinger has its ups and downs. He was certainly a positive aspect in my life and now that he is gone, his departure is certainly a negative one.

This lifestyle isn’t meant to develop the type of relationships are that is meant to last forever after, not unless you are in the lifestyle with your spouse. So, with that being said, I will continue enjoying myself, playing with interesting men, some might be just a one-time play partner and others more often. But who knows; maybe I will be lucky enough to find another special man to come into my life and eventually become long-term partners. Finding someone who can touch my body and make me feel as good as I hope I make him feel.  It probably won’t be easy but there’s always hope that I find someone interesting enough that in those in-between moments, we enjoy each other’s company and develop a great friendship along the way, just like I had with my partner and friend Tariq. That’s really the best part of this lifestyle.

Swinging – Let’s continue the story

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Fast forward to February 2016

My husband went away for the weekend to visit our son who was living temporarily in another city 4 hours away. Steve, the guy who lasted less than 10 seconds the first time we got together to have sex in his truck and I thought it would be a great opportunity for us to get together to have sex in a bed. We had only been together the one time in the truck and knew that this weekend presented itself as the perfect chance. We spoke about it for a couple of weeks to make sure we were both on the same page regarding his arrival, what we will do, what I needed to buy, etc.

Saturday morning finally came. I spoke with him by Skype and he decided that he would be there sometime around 4pm.  I was very excited. I had bought all the groceries I needed to make us a nice supper to set the right ambiance. I was going to be cooking for him and wanted it to go well. From there, our plan was to spend the rest of the evening playing in bed. He was going to stay over and leave Sunday after lunch. That gave us a lot of play time and I was really looking forward to it.

I prepared the supper early so that when he arrived, I would be able to focus my attention on him. I was in a great mood. I was excited. I felt like a high school girl with a crush. It was a great feeling. I was going to finally have sex.

Finally, at 4pm, I started to get a bit nervous. I was worried that he wouldn’t have fun, he wouldn’t like what I cooked, I was dressed wrong, etc. All the usual feelings of nervousness on your first real “date”. By 5pm, I was worried that something had happened because he still hadn’t arrived. I was worried because I couldn’t reach him. But then, by 6pm, he finally messaged me and told me he wasn’t coming over. He had a change of heart and decided that I was toxic for him. That every time we planned to get together, he would get a migraine. He thought that it was my fault that he was getting sick. Truth be known, I think it was his fear of failure again. The fact that he wasn’t able to perform the first time, he was probably fearful it would happen again.

I can’t tell you how disappointed I was. I was just floored. I had not had decent sex in forever and I was just beside myself. While I was crying, I received a Skype message from a man by the name of Tariq that I had met just a few days prior. I had told him what had happened and that I was going to go to the Swing club and meet someone so that I can finally have sex.

Tariq was a man I met for coffee to see if we were compatible to play together. I had decided against it because he looked so nervous. In my mind, I needed someone who was sure of himself because I was nervous enough for us both. So, while we skyped, he had asked me to wait before going to the club because he wanted to come and see me. He wanted to talk about this idea of me going to the club because he was genuinely concerned for my wellbeing and would live to regret my move.

Tariq arrived an hour later. He wasn’t the classic guy that I would normally go for. He was tall, but thin and attractive enough but not someone I would look at twice. But at the moment he walked into the house, he looked at me with such compassion and care, that I grabbed him, kissed him and began undressing him in my hallway. I then dragged him to my marital bedroom and started to strip him naked. He was doing the same to me and by the time we were both undressed, we were breathing hard and ready for each other. Luckily I had condoms and lube. I had prepared for Steve’s arrival.

Within 15 minutes of Tariq walking into my home, we were in bed having wild and wonderful sex.  At that moment, I realized that I hadn’t felt that good in what felt like my entire life. I experienced my first orgasm in almost 15 years. It was incredible. He was gentle when I needed him to be, but in control when I wanted that. He also knew exactly how to make me orgasm.

To this day, he and I are still having great sex. We have an incredible sexual compatibility. The most orgasms I’ve ever experienced are with him and that was a total of 7 in a span of 4 hours. He knows how to turn me on. He knows what I like and how I like it.

But, I think that story will have to be told another time. Stay tuned.

My first encounter with a couple

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This past Saturday night, I had my first encounter with a couple. The woman had contacted me on the site, and we began chatting. She was very nice and I liked her immediately. After we exchanged pleasantries all afternoon, we exchanged face pictures to see if we were physically attracted to each other.

Well, this young woman and her boyfriend were extremely attractive. She’s tall, thin and blond and he is tall, athletic with a full head of dark brown hair and a nicely trimmed beard. According to the site, they were 26 and 28. Not so bad, I thought. But, I also wondered what they wanted with an older woman like me. I’m 51 afterall. Not necessarily what most young people are looking for in a partner. But, they were willing to drive 2 hours to meet me and book a hotel, so I agreed.

We met 4 hours later here in town. We had planned to meet in the bar before going upstairs, just so we could have a chat and get to know each other a bit. It was also, to give us a chance to unwind and loosen up a bit. I still get nervous meeting new people and they had only done this once before, over a year ago, so they liked the idea of having a drink first too.

Once we exchanged pleasantries, we left the bar and proceeded upstairs. We got into the room and again, had another drink. The only thing they had was rum and I’m not a big rum drinker so I sipped mine without mix. He and she drank theirs at a nice steady pace.

Finally, it was time to undress. I removed my knee high boots and tight black dress. Mike came behind me and kissed me on the neck. Meanwhile, Penny removed her jeans and sweater to reveal perfect beautiful body, with small perky breast. She was flawless. I was in awe of her 5’9″ height, her flat perfect stomach and beautiful soft skin. She was a true beauty and I’m not even bi-sexual or bi-curious. I have no real desire to be with a woman but I knew at that moment, that if I was going to be with one, I was glad it was going to be her.

After we got over our nervousness, we all got on the bed. Penny began by giving Mike oral while I watched. Then she moved over a bit and I began to suck on his balls while she continued to suck on his penis. By all accounts, he was enjoying it very much. We continued playing, he and I, her and him, me and her. Yes, she went down on me and I on her. It wasn’t a horrible experience, in fact, I liked hearing her moan and enjoy what I was doing to her. While I was giving her oral, Mike was taking me from behind. So, as you can well imagine, we were all being well satisfied. The playing continued like this for awhile. We were having a good time, but then all of a sudden, he went soft. No amount of oral from Penny would get him hard again. So she asked me to give it a shot. Well, I managed to get him hard enough to enter her. After all, he had managed to stay hard enough to enter me for a while, I thought it was only fair that she get pleased by her boyfriend too.

Unfortunately, he wasn’t able to retain his erection for long with her. So, after a bit of time went buy and she and I used the toys she brought, I decided it was time for me to leave. I was feeling rather awkward and I knew they were too.

So, by 11:30 pm, my encounter with a couple had ended almost as quickly as it got started.

They were lovely people, but I’m guessing the stress to perform for 2 women, or to perform in front of his girlfriend, was simply too  much. Not the mention the alcohol. A lesson to learn guys. It’s a fine line between relaxing and not performing. Be careful!