Sex on the Brain

Gary really thinks he won the lottery by being with me. In a lot of ways, I feel the same but I have a sense of emptiness sometimes

I’ve been spending a lot of my weekends with Gary lately. I went yesterday afternoon to spend time with him because he had an art show and I wanted to be there to support him. He’s a wonderfully talented artist. But I noticed during our conversations that a lot of what we have in common is sex. Our conversations tend to revolve around sex all the time. Now that I’ve started to notice it and it really has me questioning how much we have in common. Don’t get me wrong, sex is a great subject but does every conversation have to end up as a sexual innuendo or a discussion of what he wants to do sexually with me the next time?  He loves the fact that I am very sexual but it also stresses me out in the sense that if I ever decide I need to step away from playing so much, how will he feel? He loves that I love to play in threesomes, but I think that eventually, I will want to just be with a single partner in a loving relationship.  I don’t know if I will want to stay in this lifestyle, at least not to the point I am playing now. ​ Gary is a great lover and satisfies me completely. I do enjoy others but nobody can do it the way he does for me. Not even Matt and I’ve been with Matt for over a year.  These sex conversations are something that have been on my mind a lot today. I mentioned it briefly to him but I’m not convinced that will change anything.  I do love being with him, but do I want to spend the rest of my life with him? I have yet to know the answer to that.

You see,  Gary really thinks he won the lottery by being with me. In a lot of ways, I feel the same but I have a sense of emptiness sometimes.   I want to feel whole and joyful but I don’t.  Perhaps it’s because I am uneasy with my son knowing that I play with other men and that I was out last night at a man’s place. He doesn’t know who’s place but he knows I was out.  Perhaps if my son didn’t know, maybe I would feel fine today. I don’t know. Maybe I feel dirty and I don’t like this feeling. When my son didn’t know about what I was doing, I didn’t have this issue so much, but now that he does, hiding it is much harder.

There’s also the fact that Gary told me that he would be going to Toronto with a female friend (V) of his that he played with before. She likes to go to a swing club out there and always asks that he take her because she doesn’t like to go alone. It kind of annoys me that I will miss out on a Saturday night with him because of her. The worst part is, I know she wants to be more to him than a friend but he doesn’t see it. I remind him that every time he does something like this with her, it sends her the wrong signals. She probably thinks that he will eventually leave me and go with her. He tells me he’s not interested in her. She’s a big woman and although that doesn’t bother him, I still think he likes the fact that she wants him and it makes me crazy.  I’ve never had to share any of my partners with other women. They always only had me as a partner. Now, with Gary, he has his V and a couple that he plays with. I don’t mind the couple, but him playing with V who is a single woman that make me crazy, I simply want to scream!

20170422_154038

Today, it hurts

crying-eye-1024x683Although this doesn’t follow the sequence of events that brought me to where  I am now in my life, I thought I would interject with a little bit of information on the pitfalls of the swing lifestyle. At least in my case.

So, I’ve been with the same two guys I met in February 2016. I have been with each of them for the past 8 months now. No, not together, but with each of them separately. We have only been together in a threesome situation once, and let me tell you, it was the best sex of my entire life. I even questioned myself and them, jokingly, if I would ever want to go back to being with just one man at a time after that. It was that great and I highly recommend it to anyone who has two partners they trust and enjoy.  At that point, we had been playing together for the past 7 months and understood what each other enjoyed the most and what their preferences and expertise were. For instance, one of my guys loves giving oral and is very very good at it. While the other loves to suck on my nipples. That act alone could almost bring me to orgasm. So, you see, if we had not played together for these past few months, we never would have know that about each other.

Now, for the issue:   I think because I have been with them as long as I have, they have started to take advantage of my good nature and accommodating style.  Let me give you an example of what I mean.

Last week, I had the house to myself for the first time in quite a few months. I was excited to be able to take new pictures of myself in lingerie and nudes and to experiment with lighting. I like taking pictures of myself. It makes me feel sexy and beautiful. Also, it was an opportunity to post new pictures on the swingers website I am on.  So, in the morning, once I completed my chores, I went to meet one of my partners (let’s call him Matt) for lunch. We had a great time, chatting away about everything. He and I tend to have coffee more often than sex. We really enjoy each others company, even outside of the bedroom. He wanted to meet me to tell me that he was going to try to attend the Halloween party at the swing club I go to. So, it was a pleasant surprise because I’ve wanted to spend time at the club with him in the past but he was never able to due to fear of being recognized plus the fact that he is married and his wife is unaware that he is cheating.

After lunch, once I returned home, the house was empty. So, I quickly changed into my lingerie and started taking pictures.  I was having fun and feeling good about myself. I was relaxed and enjoyed being home alone. But then, I remembered that my other partner, Tariq, wanted to come over.  I had asked him to wait until Thursday because we had a hotel room booked to spend the afternoon together and it was only Monday, no need to see each other twice that week. And, waiting until Thursday would allow the excitement and sexual tension to build up. But, he didn’t want that. He wanted to come over in that afternoon.  Despite my better judgement and what I really wanted, I told him he could come. I convinced myself that after all, it doesn’t happen often that I can have my guys over at the house; I didn’t really want to pass up the opportunity so I reluctantly said yes.

Two o’clock came, my partner showed up and I felt slightly annoyed. I had been having such a good time on my own, and it all had to come to a stop because he was there.  I realize that I could have put my foot down and told him no, he couldn’t come over. But, me being as accommodating as I am, reluctantly said yes. I had told him I preferred not to get together, but he didn’t want to hear that.

Now, for my partner, Matt. Matt is tall (6’4”), handsome and in my eyes, a very attractive man. He could be a model for GQ if you ask me.  When I met him, I knew immediately that I wanted to be with him. I was blown away by his presence and his gentle nature. The best part about him, is he doesn’t know how attractive he is. He’s always surprised when I tell him. So, now you are asking yourself why there is a problem, I’m sure.  Well, you see, the problem is, I have developed feelings for this man. Strong feelings. Feelings that someone in my situation has no business having. I have to be careful when I express to him what I am feeling because I worry that he will go run to the hills. He told me once that a woman asked him to leave his wife for her. He broke it up with her immediately. He too is married and has been so for 20 years. So, that sent a strong signal to me to keep my feelings to myself. But, me being me, I have not been able to. I told him that I care for him deeply although I have no expectations of either of us changing our marital status.  Him, being the way he is, which is basically someone who is unable to express his emotions, told me that he cherishes me and the time we spend together. So, you ask, where’s the problem? The problem is, he doesn’t pay enough attention to me. I want him to acknowledge me in a more concrete way. I want him to send me a message to say hello and ask how my day is going. I don’t need a grand pronouncement that he will love me forever. I just need him to message me during the day just to say hi and know that he is thinking of me. Is that too much to ask for? I wonder.

Even in this lifestyle, people do let their emotions get in the way of sex.  We can’t help it. We are human beings and we live by our emotions. Women particularly are vulnerable to the emotional aspect of being with a partner, especially when having a long-term relationship with someone. It’s bound to happen. Guys tend to be better at compartmentalizing their feelings.

Sometimes it feels good, sometimes it hurts. Today, it hurts.  Today I feel lonely, despite all the attention I receive from a variety of men. But like my partner Tariq said to me, attention is different than intimacy. Sex is great when one is engaged but once the activity ends, no matter how good the sex is, it’s not going to take away the loneliness.